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Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
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Seeking Reassurance or Just Being Thorough: How to Tell the Difference

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 10th, 2014.

My last post described the many ways the compulsion of seeking reassurance can interfere with decision-making and overall wellbeing. The differences between compulsively looking for validation and carefully weighing your options are easy to spot if you ask yourself the following questions.

  • Do you always have to ask other people for their opinions before you make a decision?
  • After making a decision, do you frequently second-guess yourself?
  • Do you change your mind often?
  • Does making a choice fill you with anxiety?
  • Do you worry about making mistakes?
  • Is the approval of your friends and family very important to you?
  • Does it take you a long time to make even a small purchase?
  • Do you know what you like when you see it?
  • When you buy an article of clothing, are you likely to return it after trying it on at home?
  • Do you think it’s irresponsible to make a decision without carefully researching it first?
  • In romantic relationships, do you often question whether your partner is right for you?
  • Do you ask for others’ opinions about your partner?
  • Would you call yourself indecisive?
  • Do other people get annoyed with you for asking so many questions?

This isn’t a scientific survey. But if you answered “yes” to many of these questions, you’re probably prone to seeking reassurance. A careful, deliberate person might do research and even ask for other’s opinions before making a decision but anxiety wouldn’t be the dominant emotion. And doubt wouldn’t typically accompany a choice as it often does with chronic reassurance-seekers.

After having read this, you may be tempted to ask the people close to you if they think you use them to provide reassurance. If so, don’t bother to pose the question. You already know the answer.



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Posted in Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism |

2 thoughts on “Seeking Reassurance or Just Being Thorough: How to Tell the Difference

  1. Dylan K

    Hi, this behavior is definitely me. Thanks for explaining what my problem is, I’ve know for a while I need reassurance…now what do?? I feel like a cripple that everyone is entitled to poke fun at. Going shopping is a nightmare and I constantly feel like clerks are taking subliminal jabs at my indecisiveness. Even online shopping I run into problems. Do you have any solution or do I just suffer through life dressing like an idiot and not even being considered by “normal” people for a relationship? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

    • lgots

      Hi Dylan,

      Sounds like you’re going through a rough time, but it doesn’t have to be like this forever. Please seek out a cognitive-behavioral therapist to help you with your negative thoughts and lack of self-confidence. You can find referrals in your area at http://www.abct.org.

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This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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