Read any good self-help books lately?  If so, you’re sure to have come across the concept of acceptance.  I’ve even talked about it myself in previous posts.

The idea seems self-explanatory.  You accept an offer. You accept a gift.  You accept a viewpoint.  You accept the terms of a contract.  If you check the dictionary for definitions of acceptance, the word “favorable” is often associated with it—as in, “a favorable reception,” or “ receiving favorably.”  But I don’t think that accurately describes what cognitive-behavioral psychologists mean when we talk about acceptance.

Practicing acceptance doesn’t necessarily imply viewing a situation favorably.  Nor does it involve resignation.  It’s more a process than a finite state.  You can’t make it happen all at once, just by willing it.   You can’t force it.  Sometimes it takes awhile to get there.  And sometimes you’re there, and then you’re not.

Refusing to accept a loss, a breakup, a mistake, a personal trait, an emotional reaction, or a partner’s shortcomings is often what brings people into my office.  Because fighting against what is frequently causes depression, anger, and anxiety.  Before you can change something that’s making you unhappy, you first have to acknowledge its reality and accept it.

So why is acceptance so hard?  I think it’s because people believe accepting something means liking it—receiving it favorably.  It doesn’t.

Consider a woman who’s discovered her husband has been unfaithful (Mrs. Cain, say?).  She’s hurt and angry.  She thinks about how much she’s given to the relationship, the sacrifices she’s made, all she’s put up with over the years.  It’s so unfair!  She wants to exact revenge, cause suffering to match the pain she’s feeling.  These are all understandable reactions.  She’s furious over what’s happened to her.  But if she refuses to accept it—and many people would—she keeps herself mired in the past and can’t move on.  And in the long run, she’s only hurting herself.

So, you have a choice.  Rail against the injustice of it all, nurse your anger, and remain stuck.  Or say, “I hate this,” decide what you’re going to do next, and take steps to change.

Stay tuned.  I’ll be writing more about acceptance in the coming weeks as we lead up to the new year.  If you start working now on accepting what you don’t like about yourself or a situation you’re in, you’ll be in a better position to jump start your resolutions and build a solid foundation to support the changes you want to make on January 1.