Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

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The Only New Year’s Resolution You’ll Need to Make to Improve Your Well-Being

By Lynne Gots, posted on December 31st, 2015.

Here’s an interesting statistic: 45% of Americans will kick off the New Year tomorrow with a list of resolutions for self-improvement. Only 8% will succeed, and their chance of success will go down with every decade past 30.

By far the most popular resolution (45%) is to lose weight and get fitter. Others in the top ten include getting organized, being happier, learning something new, quitting smoking or drinking, finding love, and spending more time with family and friends.

I’m all for setting goals. But most people fail to achieve them because they go about it all wrong. Instead of focusing on the process of living in a way that’s compatible with what’s really important to them—according to what they most value—they’re fixated on a specific vision of an end point that may or may not be achievable.

Take losing weight. There are countless plans for the dieter to choose from, all claiming to take off 10 or 20 pounds or more in a month. Just 30 days! And they all probably work, more or less, but only for a short time (or why would there be so many diet recidivists come January 1?).

A more effective and sustainable approach would be to consider why you want to lose weight. And if you can tie in the goal of weight loss with your other resolutions, even better. Is it to have more energy so you can get organized, learn something new, and spend more time with the important people in your life? Is it to prevent or control a chronic health problem so you can enjoy your family into old age? Is it to be more attractive so you can feel more confident and find love? Is it to feel more in control of your life so you can get organized and look for a more satisfying job?

If you’re taking steps—“committed actions”—leading you in the direction of what you truly value, you don’t have to wait for a month, or two, or six to fulfill your resolution. And you can work on several at once. Feeling a sense of accomplishment along the way will help head off the inevitable frustration causing so many to abandon their best intentions by Valentine’s Day.

So my advice is to make only one resolution this year: let your values guide your actions.

 

 




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Posted in Behavior Change, Goals, Motivation, Techniques |

Coping with Loneliness during the Holidays

By Lynne Gots, posted on December 23rd, 2015.

For many people, the holiday season, filled with greeting-card images of family gatherings and communal good cheer, can heighten feelings of loneliness. Those who are grieving the loss of loved ones may miss them especially keenly during this time of year. Memories of happier times can cause the pain of past relationships ended through divorce, a break up, or estrangement to surface unexpectedly. And for those who lack any intimate relationships, overhearing discussions of colleagues’ vacation plans or seeing constant reminders on social media and in seasonal advertising of others’ connections can intensify an already pervasive sense of social isolation.

A study described in a recent NY Times Magazine article  found that people who perceived themselves as lacking close connections (the “lonely” experimental group) were much more reactive than the socially well-integrated comparison group (as measured by electrical activity in the brain) to words suggestive of social isolation, such as “excluded,” “foe,” and “detached”. The researchers concluded that lonely people selectively attend to negative social information. This hypervigilance to perceived threats paradoxically heightens their loneliness and social withdrawal by making them “act in a more defensive, hostile way toward the others with whom they would like to connect.”

So if you’re feeling lonely this holiday season—regardless of whether your loneliness is acute or chronic—be aware of the temptation to compare yourself to others whose holidays seem brighter than yours. Focusing on the negative aspects of your situation may make you withdraw even more and sharpen the pangs of loneliness.

Instead, try reaching out. Accept invitations even if you feel you’re only being included because “they feel sorry for me.” If no invitations are forthcoming, consider extending one to an acquaintance who also is alone. Or volunteer to serve turkey dinner at a homeless shelter or distribute presents at a children’s hospital.

Connection comes in many forms. The Norman Rockwell version of the family holiday table is only one of them.

 




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Posted in Cognitive-behavior Therapy, Self-help |

On Coping with Adversity

By Lynne Gots, posted on October 28th, 2015.

I’ve been extremely fortunate with my health. No major illnesses or injuries. I even walked away unscathed from a head-on collision with a drunk driver who plowed through a traffic light at the intersection where I was stopped, totaling my car.

So my accident a few days ago, which landed me in the emergency room and required extensive oral surgery, was a new experience for me.

I went out for my usual walk with my dog. Wearing headphones and listening to a podcast, I was “distracted walking.” My foot caught on a bump in the sidewalk. I fell forward, tried to brace my fall with my hands, and landed hard on my chin.

Let’s just say the damage, in the medical-speak of the ER, was “impressive,” the sort usually only seen in major automobile accidents, or among young men who’ve been in bar fights or crashed into trees while snowboarding.

My jaw is now wired shut to heal the fractures. I’ve heard from friends who are envious of the enforced opportunity to shed a few pounds on a liquid diet, or who’ve known of people who voluntary opted for jaw-wiring as part of a weight-loss plan. I am not amused.

Nevertheless, I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation. While waiting for hours in the ER, I researched expensive Vitamix blenders,which I’d been eyeing for awhile but felt were too extravagent, and treated myself to one (with a single click on amazon). I’m using up my CSA produce in kale smoothies and creamed vegetable soups. I’ve been catching up on emails and on the latest novel I’ve been trying to get through for weeks. I’m writing a long-overdue blog post.

And, to my surprise, I’m even feeling a little grateful. While I was undergoing a CT scan of my skull, a worried thought of the kind health-anxious folks are frequently plagued with popped into my head: “What if this is one of those situations you hear about, where someone goes into the hospital for one thing and finds out they have something else much more serious? What if I have a brain tumor?”

Thankfully, I don’t. I’m just facing a somewhat arduous process of recovery. But I will heal over time.

I think I’m practicing acceptance. It’s not a situation I like. I’m not a good patient. I want to be in control.

But it is what it is. So rather than wallowing, I’m trying to treat myself kindly (when I’m not berating myself for my carelessness), connect with friends over email, arrange milkshake dates for when I can be seen in public, allow my husband to run around doing errands for me, and experiment with new soup recipes.

Mindfulness practitioners tell us you can accept something without being happy about it. If there’s a secret to getting through life’s ups and downs in the best way possible, I think cultivating an attitude of acceptance (which isn’t the same as resignation) is key.

We’ll see. I’m working on it.

 

 




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Posted in Acceptance and Mindfulness |

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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