Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Deadlines
By Lynne Gots, posted on December 10th, 2011.
I’m setting my stopwatch. I plan to write this post in 30 minutes or less.
Why the rush? This week I’ve heard from more than a few stressed out students, my own kids included, who’ve been in the throes of end-of-semester panic. Classes ended yesterday for GW and Georgetown undergrads, and the law students are already in the middle of exams. I’ve been dispensing advice about minimizing distractions, organizing time, and setting reasonable goals to deal with overwhelming volumes of work. So I thought it only fair to test it out myself.
Of course, a blog post doesn’t come close to a 30-page academic paper or a 90-page outline for a Constitutional Law final. But I still have to focus my attention, quiet the internal critic, resist the urge to get a snack, and get the words down.
Only 15 minutes left. (It took me 15 minutes to do just this much? How will I ever finish? This isn’t very interesting. I’m not sure what else I have to say. Why did I decide to do this? What a stupid idea!) I’m noticing some tension in my neck and chest. The words aren’t flowing very quickly. My mind is going blank!
(OK, take a deep breath. Close your eyes and take three calming breaths. You can type with your eyes closed.)
That’s better. Still don’t know exactly where I’m going with this. (I should have planned it beforehand. It would have been easier with a plan.)
The urge to stop right now is getting stronger. But fair is fair. I’ll keep going until the 30 minutes are up.
I’ve learned something from this experiment. Telling yourself you have to get something done in just 30 or 60 minutes, or even two hours, isn’t the best way to approach a deadline. Better to leave yourself some leeway because the extra pressure of the clock raises your anxiety and clouds your thinking. Keep that in mind for the next time.
But if you’re already in a bind and have no choice, set the clock for a half hour and push through. Ignore the inner monologue and keep going. Then take a break. That’s what I’m going to do now. Because my 30 minutes are up.
Full disclosure: I did go back and make two-minutes’ worth of edits. (Not too bad! This may not be my most brilliant piece of writing, but I’m OK with it.)
Another important takeaway lesson: every effort doesn’t require perfection. Sometimes you just have to get the job done. So just do it.
Tags: organization, time management
Posted in Behavior Change, Techniques |
Getting Ready for Change: Finding Your Why
By Lynne Gots, posted on December 5th, 2011.
As I said in my last post, I’m going to help you beat the New Year’s resolution rush by giving you some tips you can use right now on how to create the optimal mindset for change. Why wait? A little readiness goes a long way when you’re trying to build new habits. If you start now, you’ll be way ahead of the game next month.
Losing weight and getting in shape are two of the most popular New Year’s resolutions. Walk into any gym on January 1st, and you’ll find all the bikes in the spin class occupied and the 5-pound dumbbells in short supply. But by Valentine’s Day, you’ll have the place to yourself again when the exercise converts have all gone back to their couches.
If you don’t want to rejoin the ranks of the couch potatoes yourself, you’ll need a plan. More important, before you even think of making a resolution, you should ask yourself how your life would be different if you were to achieve your goal. Too often, we tell ourselves, “I need to [insert target for change here]” without asking ourselves, “Why?”
I just signed on to participate with a few friends in a workout program to motivate me to exercise more. Before starting, I had to set up a “before” profile and determine my goal. Lose weight? Sure, I could shed a few vanity pounds, but since I’m already at a healthy weight and all my clothes fit, this wouldn’t motivate me. Get healthy? Too vague. Tone up? Sounds great, but not compelling enough. Increase energy? Ah, now we’re talking!
Although I already have a modest exercise program in place, my workday routine is very sedentary. I spend an hour and a half or more sitting in my car and ten or eleven hours on top of that sitting in my office. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Yes, increasing my energy is a goal I can really embrace! It touches on so much I value: feeling physically and mentally on top of my game, being clear-headed and creative, having the stamina to get out and do the active pursuits I enjoy. And, better yet, I can get instant results instead of having to wait months to see a difference.
The best “why” will give you an immediate return on your investment. I’m not saying you shouldn’t create long-term goals. But those aren’t usually enough to help you stick to your resolve when short-term pleasures beckon.
It’s much more effective to connect your goals to your values. Being thinner may seem appealing for a lot of reasons, but taking off the 10 or 20 pounds most people want to shed probably won’t change your life. If your weight is so excessive that it currently interferes with your activities or undermines your health, that’s another story.
So you need to figure out what would really drive you. Do you want to feel more confident? More in control of your decisions? Are you sick of being sluggish? How about being able to run around with your kids? Or set a good example for them?
Finding your why isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. There isn’t a universal solution. You have to zero in on what’s truly important to you. Where there’s a why, there’s a way.
Tags: behavior change, goal-setting, motivation
Posted in Behavior Change, Motivation |
Acceptance
By Lynne Gots, posted on December 3rd, 2011.
Read any good self-help books lately? If so, you’re sure to have come across the concept of acceptance. I’ve even talked about it myself in previous posts.
The idea seems self-explanatory. You accept an offer. You accept a gift. You accept a viewpoint. You accept the terms of a contract. If you check the dictionary for definitions of acceptance, the word “favorable” is often associated with it—as in, “a favorable reception,” or “ receiving favorably.” But I don’t think that accurately describes what cognitive-behavioral psychologists mean when we talk about acceptance.
Practicing acceptance doesn’t necessarily imply viewing a situation favorably. Nor does it involve resignation. It’s more a process than a finite state. You can’t make it happen all at once, just by willing it. You can’t force it. Sometimes it takes awhile to get there. And sometimes you’re there, and then you’re not.
Refusing to accept a loss, a breakup, a mistake, a personal trait, an emotional reaction, or a partner’s shortcomings is often what brings people into my office. Because fighting against what is frequently causes depression, anger, and anxiety. Before you can change something that’s making you unhappy, you first have to acknowledge its reality and accept it.
So why is acceptance so hard? I think it’s because people believe accepting something means liking it—receiving it favorably. It doesn’t.
Consider a woman who’s discovered her husband has been unfaithful (Mrs. Cain, say?). She’s hurt and angry. She thinks about how much she’s given to the relationship, the sacrifices she’s made, all she’s put up with over the years. It’s so unfair! She wants to exact revenge, cause suffering to match the pain she’s feeling. These are all understandable reactions. She’s furious over what’s happened to her. But if she refuses to accept it—and many people would—she keeps herself mired in the past and can’t move on. And in the long run, she’s only hurting herself.
So, you have a choice. Rail against the injustice of it all, nurse your anger, and remain stuck. Or say, “I hate this,” decide what you’re going to do next, and take steps to change.
Stay tuned. I’ll be writing more about acceptance in the coming weeks as we lead up to the new year. If you start working now on accepting what you don’t like about yourself or a situation you’re in, you’ll be in a better position to jump start your resolutions and build a solid foundation to support the changes you want to make on January 1.
Tags: acceptance
Posted in Acceptance and Mindfulness |
