Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

Toggle Menu

Contact Dr. Gots

202-331-1566

Email >

If you don't receive a response to an email from Dr. Gots in 48 hours, please call the office and leave a voicemail message.

Getting into College: the Beginning, Not the End

By Lynne Gots, posted on April 21st, 2012.

It’s that time of year again. Spring pollen and college rejection letters are making lots of folks around here feel miserable.

“Gone to find God’s greater purpose” was what one high school senior Tweeted when he got rejected from Princeton. Since when did being denied admission to the Ivy League become fodder for an existential crisis?

Gaining entrance to one of the top-ranked, elite institutions is like winning a place on the Olympic team. They’re both extremely long shots, even with the most single-minded dedication and drive. And here in the DC metro area, which lays claim to the most highly educated population in the country, it’s sometimes hard to know who has more at stake, the teens or their parents. Many mothers and fathers who’ve made it to the top of their own careers treat parenting as one more arena where besting the competition means success. The gold medal is a decal from Ivy U. on the rear window of the Prius.

Yes, the university admissions process has gotten wildly out of hand. I’ve seen up close the damage caused by intense parental expectations—college dropouts who had great promise but couldn’t handle the pressure, high school valedictorians who swallowed bottles of Tylenol rather than face telling their parents about failing grades, former premeds who cut off all contact with their families because the weight of unfulfilled expectations were too much for them to bear. True, most young adults don’t buckle under the strain in quite such dramatic ways. But far too many have trouble maintaining their emotional equanimity and motivation after they leave home. College retention rates (only about 55% of students entering four-year undergraduate programs actually stay in school and earn their degrees in four years) testify to this disturbing trend.

A college counselor once shared with me his advice for making a student an attractive candidate for a selective university:  “Be pointy.”  He tells his clients to develop a talent that makes them stick out and then build the ever-important college resume around it.  Having too many varied interests can seem dilettantish, which the consultant would say isn’t a sound marketing strategy in today’s hyper-competitive climate.

As a result, kids can’t just be kids these days. Those who show athletic promise are playing on travel teams before they’re out of elementary school. Their musical counterparts are competing for coveted seats in youth orchestras. Even the class clowns are refining their talents in summer theater camps with an eye on creating a compelling college admissions package.

In response to the push for teenagers to brand themselves as specialists, middle and high schools have created “signature” programs in the humanities, arts, science, and technology. While concentrating on one area of study may appeal to the highly directed student, pressures to choose a career path by the end of fifth or, at the latest, eighth grade may discourage the youngster with less defined goals from sampling a broad range of electives. I’ve known many kids who’ve enrolled in specialty programs not because they have a clear direction, but because they’re afraid if they don’t sign up, they’ll appear unfocused, unmotivated, or just plain uninteresting when they apply to college. And when they finally get there, they worry about their lack of passion in their chosen area of concentration.

It’s no wonder. Pursuing the carrot at the end of the stick is an example of “extrinsic motivation”—doing something for a tangible reward rather than for the pure pleasure of just doing it.   Research has shown that this type of incentive isn’t as lasting as the internal, or “intrinsic,” kind. If you take away an extrinsic payoff propelling a desired behavior, the urge to continue working at it often dissipates.

Too often, kids who are engaging in activities primarily to amass accolades for the college resume develop a “What’s in it for me?” attitude at the expense of true intellectual curiosity.  One young acquaintance of mine, a highly gifted student who devoted a senior-year biology internship to a biomedical research project that won him a prestigious award in a national science competition, has no plans to continue his scientific pursuits at the Ivy League school he’ll be attending next year.  He doesn’t even take particular pride in his accomplishment, dismissing it as something he did just because “ it looked good for college.”

So pushing children to specialize at ever earlier ages can erode self-direction and lead to burnout.  About seventy-five percent of college students experience uncertainty about their occupational goals at some point during their undergraduate education. Nearly half switch majors at least once.  Shouldn’t we be encouraging adolescents to explore a variety of interests—to dabble, even—during high school, when their brains are still developing and their personalities still forming?

We’re asking too much of our kids. Few of us, even if we’re successful, ever achieve true celebrity status. Yet we expect the high school equivalent of superstardom from our progeny. It’s time to step back and get some perspective on the process of raising a competent adult. College admission is only a first step on the way to maturity and a fulfilling life, not the end of the road. And, hard as it may be to believe for all the high school seniors (and their parents) whose hopes have been dashed this month, a rejection from Harvard or Penn isn’t the end of the world, either.

 




Leave a comment


Tags: , ,
Posted in College, Parenting |

Coping with College Admission Stress: Why Parents Should Care Less about Getting Their Kids into the Ivy League

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 1st, 2012.

 

I was out walking my dogs the other day when I passed a woman with a fluffy puppy. As I fed Freddie bits of freeze-dried liver to keep his mind off barking, I asked if her pup was a Labradoodle. “No!” she said emphatically. “He’s an Australian Labradoodle.”

Little did she know she was talking to a dog and people expert who would profile her, possibly incorrectly and certainly unfairly, solely on the basis of one verbally italicized modifier: Australian.  Quick assessments are my métier, and I decided on the spot that the puppy’s owner was a status conscious mom new to dog ownership.

You’ll need more information to understand how I came to that conclusion.

Labradoodles are extremely popular these days for their allegedly hypoallergenic properties and adorable shagginess. Every dog class I’ve helped teach usually has two or three. The Labradoodle isn’t an AKC-recognized breed; nor is the more highly coveted Australian Labradoodle, although breeders in Australia are trying to develop a uniform breed standard so as eventually to gain entry into purebred dog clubs.  “Australian” signifies that a dog is a “ multigenerational hybrid” descended from parents who are Labradoodles, not from a cross between a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, the original provenance of this fancy mixed breed. Breeders draw an even finer distinction between American Australian Labradoodles and Australian Australian Labradoodles, which is more information than you probably care to know.

But Labradoodles are still technically mutts, albeit very trendy, expensive, and genetically modified ones.

Like first-time parents who latch onto every enrichment gimmick in the hope of turning their infant into a baby Einstein, new dog owners are suckers for marketing ploys that claim to produce a superior pet. High on the list of the Australian Labradoodle’s merits is its “nonshedding” coat (which actually varies in degree of sheddability from dog to dog). This feature, along with the affable temperament these dogs are bred for, attracts many new owners who are put off by doggie odors and dog hair—in other words, those who are less likely to be diehard dog people.

Families with young kids love Labradoodles because of their hypoallergenic rep (a false one, as it turns out: no dogs are truly hypoallergenic) and because they look cuddly and goofy and are usually good-natured. But [public service digression] untrained, they may turn out to be more than a busy family can manage, which is why so many quintessential family dogs like Labs and Goldens wind up in shelters after they outgrow the cute puppy stage.

It may seem I feel superior because I have an AKC-registered, pedigreed dog, an Australian Shepherd (a breed originating in the United States, not Australia, by the way). But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m actually rather embarrassed about my dog’s aristocratic lineage. As a dog lover, I’m a staunch supporter of rescuing animals in need of a home and would have taken the adoption route with our newest dog had I been able to find a suitable puppy at the time. My next dog, purebred or mixed, will definitely be a rescue.

And I’m not disparaging Doodles, either. I also have one of those—a Cockapoo (shouldn’t they be called Cockadoodles, like Labradoodles and Goldendoodles?). He’s turned out to be an excellent dog, even though we acquired him in a highly questionable fashion, without knowing anything about his temperament, from a backyard breeder who placed an ad in the newspaper.

What does all this arcane talk about dogs have to do with elite universities?

The puppy owner’s need to announce her dog’s “bone fidos” [sic] made me think of all the cars in my neighborhood (my own included) with designer-brand college stickers on the rear windshields. And of all my conversations with fellow, hypercompetitive Montgomery County parents about where our kids were applying to college and where they would be heading after the acceptance and rejection letters arrived. There was a lot of bragging (“She got a full scholarship to Maryland, but how could she pass up the opportunity to go to Brown?” and a lot of defensiveness (“He’s going to Maryland, but he’ll be in the Honors Program”).

With two of my children out of college and the last one more than halfway through, and having seen many students in my practice over the years, I’ve acquired a different perspective. The students I treat are all struggling, whether they’re at Georgetown (#22), GWU  (#50), or American (#82). I’ve come to believe that where our kids end up going to college doesn’t matter nearly as much as we think it does.

So does Harvard graduate Jay Mathews, education writer for the Washington Post and author of the book, Harvard Schmarvard: Getting Beyond the Ivy League to the College that Is Best for You. Mathews claims, and offers research data to back his argument, that traits such as persistence, honesty, optimism, and character count far more than an elite college degree in determining future success.

I’m not surprised. I’ve worked with Princeton and Yale graduates whose emotional issues kept them from doing well in college despite their perfect SAT scores and who continued to underperform in graduate school and beyond. I’ve also seen high-level government officials and corporate lawyers who, in spite of having attended mediocre colleges, went on to elite law schools and achieved success in their careers.

And just look at Freddie, my Australian Shepherd. He’s endowed with superior physical attributes and a keen intelligence passed down from his award-winning show dog and herding ancestors. But when I looked into enrolling him in a sheep herding class to channel his instincts into a more productive activity than corralling our guests, I realized it would be out of the question. Freddie is highly sensitive. He recoils when strangers reach out to pet him. Teaching him to herd sheep, it seems, would involve prodding him with sticks. He’d probably bite the trainer in fear, and I’d suffer a nervous collapse anticipating the lawsuit.

It just goes to show you, an Ivy League degree (or impeccable papers, in Freddie’s case) isn’t everything. The flip side is also worth considering. A less impressive resume isn’t necessarily handicapping.  Take Uggy, the plucky Jack Russell terrier, who stole the show in “The Artist.” He was a nine-year-old Death Row inmate when his trainer rescued him and made him a star.

Parents of high school students, and the students themselves, could take some of the pressure off the intense college application process if they remembered one point: just because a college is the best doesn’t mean it’s the best for you.

 




1 comment | Leave a comment


Tags:
Posted in College, Dogs, Parenting |

Little People, Revisited

By Lynne Gots, posted on October 3rd, 2011.

I just saw a rousing 25th anniversary production of Les Miz at the Kennedy Center. Rather predictably (this was my fourth viewing) but with no less genuine emotion, my eyes welled up when petit Gavroche sang the anthem, “Little People” as he lay dying on the barricade:

“be careful as you go
cos little people grow
and little people know
when little people fight,
we may look easy pickings
but we got some bite!
so never kick a dog
because it’s just a pup
you’d better run for cover when the pup grows up”

For those of you who’ve spent the last twenty-five years in a cave, Les Misérables is the blockbuster musical based on Victor Hugo’s book of the same name. Gavroche is a street urchin, mascot to the Parisian student revolutionaries and their canary in the mine. He volunteers to scope out the army below and (spoiler alert) gets shot for his efforts.

I thought about Gavroche’s song as I read an essay in the Sunday Times about “Super People.” The author addresses a topic that never fails to make my blood boil, no matter how many times I read or write about it—the pressures kids face in high school to outdo themselves and their peers with mega resumes highlighting their creative talent, altruism, entrepreneurial spirit, and athletic prowess. That’s what it takes these days to stand out from the crowd of equally amazing super achievers. College admissions officials call this being “pointy” as opposed to well rounded (although it seems to me these superstars are pretty well rounded too, a bit like the Appalachians with Mount Washington thrown in for good measure.)

It’s no longer good enough to be good enough. I see a lot of students in my practice who feel bad because they can’t measure up.  Many of them are graduates of International Baccalaureate high schools who’ve earned scholarships to university honors programs. Yet they feel like imposters because they haven’t started a foundation for Tibetan orphans or won the Intel Science Competition for a breakthrough in cancer research. The culture of Super Persondom is doing them in.

Now back to Gavroche. Let’s suspend disbelief for a minute and imagine the 19th century Gavroche transported to the 21st century. Say Jean Valjean had carried him to La Sâlpetrière instead of leaving him to die with the rebels. He survives his wounds and, a few years later, decides to parlay his adventures on the barricade into a college application essay:

When I was only twelve, I spearheaded an insurrection of university students. I was shot and lived through a near-death experience. All my friends died. I never went to school but my street education is worth much more than book learning.

And then he wraps it all up with the chorus:

So listen here, professor with your head in the cloud
It’s often kinda useful to get lost in a crowd
So keep your universities — i don’t give a damn
For better or for worse it is the way that i am

I can just picture the excitement in the admissions offices of the Ivy League. Foreign! (According to the Times article, many colleges have recruiters in other countries to promote globalization.) Uneducated but smart! Confident enough to thumb his nose at the establishment!

Voilà.  Gavroche’s pointiness wins him a full ride to Harvard: Little Person to Super Person with just a stroke of the quill pen.





Tags: ,
Posted in College, Perfectionism |

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

Contact Dr. Gots

202-331-1566

Email >

If you don't receive a response to an email from Dr. Gots in 48 hours, please call the office and leave a voicemail message.

ADAA Clinical Fellow
Categories
Archives
© 2008-2024 Lynne S. Gots, PhD. Photographs by Steven Marks Photography.