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Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
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Coping with College Admission Stress: Why Parents Should Care Less about Getting Their Kids into the Ivy League

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 1st, 2012.

 

I was out walking my dogs the other day when I passed a woman with a fluffy puppy. As I fed Freddie bits of freeze-dried liver to keep his mind off barking, I asked if her pup was a Labradoodle. “No!” she said emphatically. “He’s an Australian Labradoodle.”

Little did she know she was talking to a dog and people expert who would profile her, possibly incorrectly and certainly unfairly, solely on the basis of one verbally italicized modifier: Australian.  Quick assessments are my métier, and I decided on the spot that the puppy’s owner was a status conscious mom new to dog ownership.

You’ll need more information to understand how I came to that conclusion.

Labradoodles are extremely popular these days for their allegedly hypoallergenic properties and adorable shagginess. Every dog class I’ve helped teach usually has two or three. The Labradoodle isn’t an AKC-recognized breed; nor is the more highly coveted Australian Labradoodle, although breeders in Australia are trying to develop a uniform breed standard so as eventually to gain entry into purebred dog clubs.  “Australian” signifies that a dog is a “ multigenerational hybrid” descended from parents who are Labradoodles, not from a cross between a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, the original provenance of this fancy mixed breed. Breeders draw an even finer distinction between American Australian Labradoodles and Australian Australian Labradoodles, which is more information than you probably care to know.

But Labradoodles are still technically mutts, albeit very trendy, expensive, and genetically modified ones.

Like first-time parents who latch onto every enrichment gimmick in the hope of turning their infant into a baby Einstein, new dog owners are suckers for marketing ploys that claim to produce a superior pet. High on the list of the Australian Labradoodle’s merits is its “nonshedding” coat (which actually varies in degree of sheddability from dog to dog). This feature, along with the affable temperament these dogs are bred for, attracts many new owners who are put off by doggie odors and dog hair—in other words, those who are less likely to be diehard dog people.

Families with young kids love Labradoodles because of their hypoallergenic rep (a false one, as it turns out: no dogs are truly hypoallergenic) and because they look cuddly and goofy and are usually good-natured. But [public service digression] untrained, they may turn out to be more than a busy family can manage, which is why so many quintessential family dogs like Labs and Goldens wind up in shelters after they outgrow the cute puppy stage.

It may seem I feel superior because I have an AKC-registered, pedigreed dog, an Australian Shepherd (a breed originating in the United States, not Australia, by the way). But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m actually rather embarrassed about my dog’s aristocratic lineage. As a dog lover, I’m a staunch supporter of rescuing animals in need of a home and would have taken the adoption route with our newest dog had I been able to find a suitable puppy at the time. My next dog, purebred or mixed, will definitely be a rescue.

And I’m not disparaging Doodles, either. I also have one of those—a Cockapoo (shouldn’t they be called Cockadoodles, like Labradoodles and Goldendoodles?). He’s turned out to be an excellent dog, even though we acquired him in a highly questionable fashion, without knowing anything about his temperament, from a backyard breeder who placed an ad in the newspaper.

What does all this arcane talk about dogs have to do with elite universities?

The puppy owner’s need to announce her dog’s “bone fidos” [sic] made me think of all the cars in my neighborhood (my own included) with designer-brand college stickers on the rear windshields. And of all my conversations with fellow, hypercompetitive Montgomery County parents about where our kids were applying to college and where they would be heading after the acceptance and rejection letters arrived. There was a lot of bragging (“She got a full scholarship to Maryland, but how could she pass up the opportunity to go to Brown?” and a lot of defensiveness (“He’s going to Maryland, but he’ll be in the Honors Program”).

With two of my children out of college and the last one more than halfway through, and having seen many students in my practice over the years, I’ve acquired a different perspective. The students I treat are all struggling, whether they’re at Georgetown (#22), GWU  (#50), or American (#82). I’ve come to believe that where our kids end up going to college doesn’t matter nearly as much as we think it does.

So does Harvard graduate Jay Mathews, education writer for the Washington Post and author of the book, Harvard Schmarvard: Getting Beyond the Ivy League to the College that Is Best for You. Mathews claims, and offers research data to back his argument, that traits such as persistence, honesty, optimism, and character count far more than an elite college degree in determining future success.

I’m not surprised. I’ve worked with Princeton and Yale graduates whose emotional issues kept them from doing well in college despite their perfect SAT scores and who continued to underperform in graduate school and beyond. I’ve also seen high-level government officials and corporate lawyers who, in spite of having attended mediocre colleges, went on to elite law schools and achieved success in their careers.

And just look at Freddie, my Australian Shepherd. He’s endowed with superior physical attributes and a keen intelligence passed down from his award-winning show dog and herding ancestors. But when I looked into enrolling him in a sheep herding class to channel his instincts into a more productive activity than corralling our guests, I realized it would be out of the question. Freddie is highly sensitive. He recoils when strangers reach out to pet him. Teaching him to herd sheep, it seems, would involve prodding him with sticks. He’d probably bite the trainer in fear, and I’d suffer a nervous collapse anticipating the lawsuit.

It just goes to show you, an Ivy League degree (or impeccable papers, in Freddie’s case) isn’t everything. The flip side is also worth considering. A less impressive resume isn’t necessarily handicapping.  Take Uggy, the plucky Jack Russell terrier, who stole the show in “The Artist.” He was a nine-year-old Death Row inmate when his trainer rescued him and made him a star.

Parents of high school students, and the students themselves, could take some of the pressure off the intense college application process if they remembered one point: just because a college is the best doesn’t mean it’s the best for you.

 




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Posted in College, Dogs, Parenting |

The Perils of Perfectionism: Don’t Fear Mistakes

By Lynne Gots, posted on January 19th, 2012.

 

If my dog Freddie were human, he’d be a perfectionist.  Note my choice of the word “if.”  I generally try not to anthropomorphize animals because imagining they’re capable of higher order cognition can lead us to expect too much of them.  Still, sometimes it’s hard not to project our own emotions onto their mutely expressive faces.

Last night I gave each of my dogs an “educational” Swedish puzzle toy to entertain them.  The dog has to figure out how to move swiveling layers, lift off bone-shaped covers, and open sliding hatches to get to hidden morsels of food.  Just like my kids did when they were little, my dogs show as much interest in the packaging as in the toys themselves.  But since I shelled out a ridiculous amount of money on these “fun, interactive games,” I occasionally try to put them to use.

The ads for the Dog Tornado and Dog Twister promise hours of stimulation for your pet.  Once the animal has figured out how to get to the treats, you can increase the difficulty in a variety of ways to build brainpower.  The designer clearly hasn’t encountered a dog like Freddie.

Freddie is a quick learner.  If he were human, he’d be the kid in the class whose hand shoots up before the teacher has even finished asking the question.  When I’m giving a command to Baxter, who’s a little slower on the uptake, Freddie pushes him out of the way and responds first.

So I decided to give Freddie the harder puzzle.  Baxter got the easier one.  I filled both with identical bits of kibble.

And guess what?  Baxter, whose skills I grossly underestimated, swiveled the stacked trays with his nose, pawed frantically at the little trap doors, and scarfed down all the food before Freddie had even extracted one piece.  Then I switched the puzzles, giving Freddie the easier one.  Baxter had to work a little harder on the more challenging toy.  Undeterred, he kept at it until he had emptied almost every compartment.  With a final, vigorous push with his snout, he upended the whole contraption to dislodge the last bits. Freddie managed to slide a few of the covers on his toy open before he dropped to the ground, whined, and looked up at me expectantly with his head between his paws

That’s the downside of being clever and always following the rules, wanting to get it just right.  If success comes too easily to you, you can’t cope with the frustration when something doesn’t go your way.

Freddie was too tentative and gave up.  Baxter had his eyes on the prize and didn’t quit.  He wasn’t afraid to make mistakes and tried different strategies to get what he wanted.

But they’re just dogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





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Posted in Dogs, Perfectionism |

Holiday Survival Tactics

By Lynne Gots, posted on December 22nd, 2011.

purchase levitra My dog Baxter howls at sirens.  My other dog, Freddie, isn’t a born howler.  But when Baxter raises his snout skyward and starts to bay, Freddie answers the call of the wild and sings the bass line.  There’s nothing I can do to stop them.   If we’re out walking and the neighbors glare at me for creating a public disturbance, I just smile and give a sheepish shrug.

This is a good practice to keep in mind if you’re planning to attend a holiday gathering with a spouse, partner, or child who doesn’t behave quite as you’d like.  I’m not saying you should tolerate boorish manners or rudeness.  Even my dogs have learned to sit politely until I tell them they can eat.  But fighting nature is simply a lost cause.

Consider this common scenario.  You’re bringing home a significant other for the first time to celebrate the holidays.  Your relatives are a boisterous bunch.  It’s hard to get a word in edgewise around them, especially after they’ve emptied the punch bowl.  Your SO is reserved.   You love his quick wit and sharp observations, but it takes a while for him to open up.  Noisy crowds make him retreat awkwardly to a corner.  You’re afraid your outgoing family will mistake his shyness for unfriendliness, or worse, they’ll deem him boring.

What should you do?

You can make an effort to include him in the conversation, but don’t expect him to be anything other than who he is.  If he’s an introvert who’s more comfortable with just a few close friends than in a large crowd, he’ll never be the life of the party.  Get over it.  You don’t need to apologize for him, and you shouldn’t feel responsible for his behavior.  In fact, the more you try to coax him out of his shell, the more uncomfortable and self-conscious he’ll feel.  So do as I do when the dogs start to howl:  smile and shrug.

Oh, and enjoy the eggnog if there’s any left.





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Posted in Acceptance and Mindfulness, Dogs |

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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