Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
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Is Perfectionism Ruining Your Relationships?

By Lynne Gots, posted on August 12th, 2013.

I just saw Before Midnight, the third film in Richard Linklater’s triology about Jesse and Celine (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy), who first meet in their twenties on a train, spend a magical day exploring Vienna together (in Before Sunrise) and reunite in Paris in their thirties (in Before Sunset). Now they’re in their early forties, juggling dual careers, raising twin daughters, going on idyllic Greek island vacations, and struggling to maintain a trans-Atlantic relationship with Jesse’s fourteen-year-old son.

We watch their storybook romance crumbling under the weight of real life. She’s jealous of his successful writing career, which gives him ample freedom to travel and (possibly) cheat on her while she’s stuck at home with the kids. She feels fat and old. She resents having put her career on the back burner. He regrets not being a regular presence in his son’s life. He can’t understand why she isn’t happy with their life together. She thinks she doesn’t love him anymore.

If Jesse and Celine can’t live happily ever after, how can anyone expect a non-cinematic relationship to endure?

The film leaves the fate of the couple uncertain. Linklater has said this will be the last of the series, so we’re left to speculate about whether they’ll stay together. If they do, they’ll have to come to terms with reality in all its messiness and learn to accept each other and themselves, flaws and all.

No relationship is perfect, even ones in the movies if they’re being portrayed honestly. But if you’re a perfectionist, your idealized notions about romance may be making it hard for you to connect and commit for the long haul.

I don’t think it’s too much of a spoiler to reveal how Before Midnight ends (but if you don’t want to know, stop reading here). Jesse and Celine arrive at an uneasy truce. They see each other for what they are rather than how they wish they would be.

Maybe it’s not so romantic, and it’s certainly far from perfect. But it’s truthful and intimate.

To paraphrase the last line of another movie, “This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.” And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

 

 

 

 

 




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Advice to New Grads: Don’t Worry about Finding Your Passion

By Lynne Gots, posted on May 3rd, 2013.

 

In the coming month, millions of graduates will be marching down the aisles of academe to the strains of Pomp and Circumstance. My son will be one of them when he receives his Bachelor of Music diploma from the University of Texas.

Many wellwishers tell him he’s lucky. He doesn’t have a job waiting, exactly. But he’ll be able to pay the rent as a working musician by adding to his studio of private students and cobbling together a variety of paying gigs. And, above all, he’ll be doing what he loves because he’s “found his passion.”

Despite its legions of proponents, the concept of “finding your passion” is highly overrated. In fact, I think it actually prevents many young adults from settling on a career path and, ultimately, deriving satisfaction from work. The quest for a passion has led many of the perfectionists I see to search endlessly for the “right” job or graduate program, never actually committing to a course of action.

Cal Newport, a Georgetown University computer science professor, agrees. His newest book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You, sums up his philosophy in the subtitle: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. He debunks what he calls The Passion Hypothesis (“The key to occupational happiness is to first figure out what you’re passionate about and then find a job that matches this passion.”) and proposes that passion develops from working hard and mastering a skill. In other words, fulfillment from a job doesn’t just happen. It can come from almost anything you commit yourself to doing well if you devote your time to becoming an expert at it.

This should be good news for the high-strung millenials whose resumes are packed with evidence of their ambition. Double majors. Summer internships. Community service. These twentysomethings are no strangers to hard work. They’re used to putting in the hours, whether for extracurricular activities or heavy courseloads, to reach a goal. If they practice what Newport preaches, working hard at whatever job they choose may bring them satisfaction—and, yes, in time, even passion. But they need to set aside another millenial characteristic—the need for instant gratification— and remember the value of practice in developing a skill.

Newport proposes replacing the potentially limiting search for a passion with what he calls The Craftsman Mindset:  “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”  You can avoid a lot of frustration by focusing on improving your performance at work instead of fretting about what the job is doing for you.

Musicians exemplify the craftsman mentality. Consider the process my son went through to develop into a professional trumpet player. When he took his first lesson at nine, he could barely blow a note. For months his playing sounded like a herd of wounded pachyderms on their way to the elephant graveyard. He didn’t show any evidence of natural talent, or of passion, for that matter. But he was curious and, even as a preteen, exceptionally dedicated. He stuck with it, studied with a succession of increasingly accomplished teachers, endured lip-numbing drills to improve his technique, and in time (after years of playing) began to see results. His commitment to his craft grew along with his proficiency.

Unlike most college graduates entering the workforce, my son already has thousands of hours of experience under his belt. So, yes, it’s fair to say he’s pursuing his passion, having earned it after twelve years of focused dedication to his craft. But even so, as with any job, his work still requires him to endure more than a little tedium as a means to doing what he loves. He’s had to perform in the pit for about five Italian operas too many, in his opinion; play the annoying, same three notes over and over as sideman for a cowboy funk band in a smoky bar where the musicians don’t even get a free beer; and give lessons to indifferent middle school students whose trumpet stylings call to mind his own early struggles.

He’ll also be sweating in the sweltering Austin heat on graduation night, wearing a tuxedo under his black gown as he performs with the UT Wind Ensemble.  Along with the standard, boring graduation march, they’ll be playing The Eyes of Texas while a backdrop of fireworks lights up the Tower. (Everything really is bigger in Texas.)

But I don’t think he’ll mind this last performance of his college career even though it will be unbearably hot and musically uninspiring. After all, it’s a paying gig.

 




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Is Perfectionism Causing You Problems?

By Lynne Gots, posted on July 26th, 2012.

In my practice, I see many high-achievers—lawyers and law students, physicians, bureaucrats with high-level security clearances, tenured academics, college students completing dual majors while undertaking impressive internships, economists, research scientists, Hill staffers. But in spite of their academic and professional successes, they often lack confidence in their abilities. When they have to complete a project, anxiety overwhelms them. They may avoid getting started or take so long to write even a simple email that they’re not as productive or efficient as they’d like to be. Or they may complete their work but then spend hours doubting its quality.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do you set very high standards for yourself and/or others?
  • Do you stick with a task long after everyone else has quit because you have to get it right?
  • Do you find fault with yourself and/or others?
  • Do you frequently doubt yourself and have trouble making decisions?
  • Do you keep problems to yourself because you’re afraid others will judge you for not having it all together?
  • Do you beat yourself up if you make a mistake?
  • Do you ever avoid trying a new sport or other activity because you might not be good at it?
  • Do people ever say you’re too hard on yourself?
  • Do you have trouble with procrastination?
  • Do you frequently compare yourself to others and come up short?
  • Do you always think about how you could have done better even when you’ve accomplished a goal?
  • If you meet one of your goals, do you feel little satisfaction because you’ve already set a newer, more challenging goal for yourself?
  • Are thoughts about achieving and achievement in important areas of your life (such as at work, in academic endeavors, or in sports or the arts) always on your mind?
  • Do you evaluate your self-worth on the basis of your achievements?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, perfectionism may be causing problems for you.

In my next post, I’ll explain why.





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This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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