Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

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Don’t Let the Perfect Be the Enemy of the Good

By Lynne Gots, posted on July 17th, 2012.

If you’re like me, you have no shortage of ideas about how to improve yourself. Eat more vegetables. Cut down on sweets. Meditate. Get more sleep. Lift weights. Drink more water. Learn to cook Thai food. Practice the piano. Brush up on conversational French. [Insert your own favorites here.]

And if you’re like me, and many others, you also may have trouble following through with your plans.

Why is it so easy for us to think of all the ways we’d like to create newer, better versions of ourselves and so hard for us to make the changes happen?

I think it’s because we don’t just set out to develop healthier habits or find new creative outlets. We imagine no less than a total transformation and deem anything short of a complete makeover as insufficient—not worth the effort.

Take a writer I know. She lives alone. She works from home and can follow any schedule that suits her. She’s a night owl and has a surge of energy after 10 pm, often staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning when her creative juices are flowing. As a result, she usually sleeps until noon unless she’s scheduled a morning meeting. But she always sets her alarm for 8 because she views herself as lazy for spending half a conventional workday in bed. She starts every morning with the fantasy of getting up when she “should” and always winds up hitting Snooze five times before she turns off the alarm in disgust and goes back to sleep. When she finally does drag herself out of bed, never fully rested due to the interrupted sleep, she feels upset with herself. Not the best way to start the day.

Yet when I suggested she just face the fact that she’s not a morning person and set the alarm for a more realistic time (say, 11:30), when she actually might be able to get up, she looked aghast.

“I couldn’t possibly do that. That’s so late!”

Sure she’d like to bound out of bed at 8. But right now she’s not starting her day until noon. So why wouldn’t it make sense to try rising just a half hour earlier?

Because she’s letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Seems silly, doesn’t it? But when it comes to ourselves, we often can’t see as clearly how our visions of The Perfect keep us from even beginning to make a dent in the patterns we’d like to change.

Think about one of those self-improvement ideas you’ve had for a while but never seem to carry out. If the undertaking seems overwhelming, you might just be letting your vision of the perfect you block your path forward. So instead of focusing on where you want to be (which may seem impossibly distant), look at where you are right now, and start by taking just one ridiculously small step in the right direction.

 




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Posted in Behavior Change, Perfectionism, Self-help |

Self-Help and Change: No Quick Fix

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 26th, 2012.

I’ve alluded in previous posts to the misleadingly reductionist methods promoted by self-transformation gurus. In a recent article on the science website Big Think, Jason Gots (Full Disclosure: he’s my nephew) makes a similar point about the process of personal growth. I hope my recent meditation chronicles have also shown that it takes hard work to eliminate bad habits, adopt better ones, and rewire the brain.

Even the research tested, cognitive-behavioral treatment protocols—which in countless studies have proven to ameliorate complex psychiatric syndromes, such as depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, insomnia, and attention deficit disorder, to name just a few—have their limitations when it comes to real world applications.

Why? Because the manuals presume an ideal situation in which life and people don’t muddy the pure, scientifically controlled waters.

In reality—that is, in settings like my office where clinicians see real people with complex problems and complicated lives, not carefully screened research subjects who get eliminated from clinical trials if they don’t precisely fit the study criteria, miss appointments or fail to comply with the treatment regimen—change just isn’t as straightforward as the books would have us believe.

One of the challenges I face as a clinician is managing expectations. If, from the outset, I don’t help patients anticipate the difficulties they may encounter with the therapy (and sometimes even when I do), they may get frustrated and end the treatment before they’ve given it a fair chance. I partly blame the self-help movement on causing some people—particularly many of the perfectionists I see, who tend to view the process of change through an all-or-nothing lens—to give up too soon when the results they envision aren’t as immediately forthcoming as they’d hoped.

I don’t mean to sound overly pessimistic about personal growth. If I believed that modifying the ways we think and behave were unreasonable goals, I’d be in the wrong line of work. But expecting an instruction manual to magically transform your life without requiring you to make a long-term investment of time, energy, and honest self-reflection amounts to believing in, well, magic.

 

 




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Posted in Behavior Change, Mental Health and the Media, Perfectionism, Self-help |

Social Media: a Cure for Perfectionism?

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 5th, 2012.

Psychologists who treat anxiety aren’t immune to worries of their own.

One of my worst fears is of doing or failing to do something that will lead to embarrassment and professional disgrace—specifically, of committing a major, irrevocable, hugely public gaffe on the Internet. I’ve laid awake at night thinking I might unknowingly have forwarded to the entire Maryland Psychological Association list-serve a private email exchange with another colleague containing a snarky comment, or fretting about the privacy settings on my personal Facebook profile.

I find blogging scary. In keeping with my number one piece of advice about dealing with anxiety (“MAKE YOURSELF ANXIOUS!”), my blog about cognitive behavioral strategies is a cognitive behavioral strategy (for me).  It’s an exposure exercise, an opportunity to wallow in uncertainty.

Every time I post, I risk being seen as:  stupid or unprofessional or a bad writer or indifferent to parallel sentence structure or too concerned about archaic rules of grammar or incapable of proper spacing after a period or too fond of parenthetical expressions or dull or pretentious or trite or old or trying too hard to act younger than my age or insensitive or wrong or foolish or too free with italics.  Or self-aggrandizing or self-deprecating or insecure or not funny or too formal or too casual or technologically inept or politically-incorrect or offensive or unlikeable or incompetent or too self-disclosing or pedantic or preachy or judgmental or opinionated or wishy-washy or too scientific or not quantitative enough or redundant or neurotic or unconventional or stodgy or canine-centric or dogmatic or not fit to practice psychology.

You get the point. No matter how carefully I choose my words and edit my copy, someone undoubtedly will find fault with me. And there’s nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.

If blogging is opening a can of writhing mental worms, then Tweeting is plunging an arm into it up to the elbow. I’m new to Twitter, and I don’t understand its the finer points—or much at all about it, really. And there’s no one I can ask for help because my husband, usually my go-to advisor for all computer questions, and even my kids, don’t have Twitter accounts. Nor do any of my friends or colleagues. So I’m entering this new country—with its own symbols, language, and etiquette—by myself without a guide. Pretty nerve-wracking.

Yes, the Internet is a gaping maw of uncertainty for the perfectionist. “Social media fear of failure,” as one social media consultant calls it, is pretty common, it seems.

I’m about to embrace the unknown in another way as well by opening up the blog for comments. I’m willing to take the chance that people will disagree with me, dislike my opinions, or (maybe worse) not respond at all. But I also want to minimize the potential for legal or ethical issues to arise and preserve my professional reputation. Hence, the following disclaimer:

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice.  

If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonals about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

So here goes. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.





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Posted in Disclaimer, Perfectionism |

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

Contact Dr. Gots

202-331-1566

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If you don't receive a response to an email from Dr. Gots in 48 hours, please call the office and leave a voicemail message.

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