Recently I’ve been hearing from many frantic parents of college students. The semester is coming to an end, and they’re worried. How will everyone adjust to being together again after a year of living apart? And they’re not the only ones looking ahead with trepidation to the long break. The students have their own worries.

So I’ve been mulling over the issues quite a bit, especially as I’m also anticipating the return of my own college student, who will be taking up residence in his old room for a few weeks—the longest stretch in a year—before he heads off again.

With approximately eleven summers as the parent of three college students under my belt, along with the semester breaks I’ve weathered with students in my practice, I’ve learned what works, and what doesn’t, to keep harmony. Here are my suggestions for parents.

1)    Don’t expect things to be the same. Your child is a young adult now, and it’s normal for your relationship to change.

2)    Talk to your college student at the beginning of the summer. You need to discuss your expectations about curfews, household responsibilities, use of the car, and checking in with you about comings and goings.

3)    Lighten up on the rules. Within reason, your young adult should be in control of his own schedule and how he spends his time.

4)    It’s not unreasonable to expect your son or daughter to get a job. But understand that finding paid summer work isn’t easy. Volunteering or taking classes to get some distribution requirements out of the way are other options.

5)    If your student comes home with a new political perspective, unfamiliar dietary regimen, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs that differ from yours, have a conversation and try to understand her position rather than becoming angry and shutting down communication.

I asked my own kids—current and former college students themselves—what they’d like parents to know. They said,  “Give us space! We’re used to having freedom and no supervision, so you shouldn’t treat us like we’re still in high school.” They also pointed out, “You feel like a totally different person when you come back from school, and you don’t want to go back to being your old self.”

It’s not one-sided, though. They acknowledged that college students should compromise when they’re at home. “We realize we’re not at school and different rules apply.”

Well put. I’m looking forward to having my son under my roof again for a little while. I’ve put fresh sheets on his bed and stocked up on his favorite foods.

I don’t expect any conflicts as long as he follows one longstanding, but oft-ignored, rule. He has to empty his suitcases and not leave them sitting in the middle of his room for the entire time he’s here. I know he doesn’t live at home anymore. But I’d rather not have the luggage out to remind me that he’s just passing through on his way somewhere else.