OCD is like an opportunistic pathogen, invading hosts with weakened immune systems. So it’s not surprising to see it thrive and spread when daily news reports stoke uncertainty and fear in those who are vulnerable.
The recent spate of revelations about sexual misconduct among the rich and famous, along with controversial reports in the last few years of a campus rape crisis, have brought a new demographic into my practice: young men in their twenties who worry about committing or having committed a sexual transgression.
Some of these men have been accused—and all exonerated—of inappropriate touching, nonconsensual or consensual but inappropriate sex with colleagues, students, or classmates; others live in fear of having a casual sexual encounter from their past surface and become fodder for an accusation.
OCD is having a field day.
As reporter Emily Yoffe chillingly details in a series of articles in The Atlantic , Obama-era federal directives governing the handling of sexual-assault allegations have prompted universities to craft vague and overarching definitions of sexual assault designed to protect the (mostly) female victims while stripping the accused of their right to due process. The Kafkaesque scenarios Yoffe describes—such as a third party accusation in which a friend reported her roommate’s boyfriend as an abuser and the alleged victim, refuting the claim, was told she was in denial– create the perfect medium for OCD to flourish.
Let me be perfectly clear. I am in no way minimizing the trauma experienced by assault victims. I believe charges of rape on college campuses should be taken very seriously. They should be investigated thoroughly and, if the evidence points to a crime, prosecuted in a court of law. And I am not excusing the predatory behavior of the Harvey Weinsteins who have abused their power to intimidate and sexually exploit women.
But the men with OCD I see in my practice are not predators or rapists. In fact, most share two thinking patterns common in people with OCD: an excessive sense of responsibility and a highly developed sense of morality. They worry about causing harm and about being bad people even though, in the paradoxical way of OCD, they’re actually good people with a strong—perhaps even excessively rigid—moral compass.
So, no, I don’t secretly question if they might have done what they’ve been accused of or fear being accused of, just as I know with a reasonable degree of certainty that the people with OCD who confess to me their fears of being pedophiles are not a danger to children.
As with all OCD worries, however, facts and probability do little to assuage anxiety. So the challenge is to acknowledge the possibility of a dreaded occurrence—such as a false accusation–while not letting fear get in the way of living.
While it’s hard to push back, I can recommend a few guidelines to follow if you’re consumed by worries of being unjustly accused of sexual assault.
Shakespeare said, “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.” Resist the temptation to lie down with OCD.
Hello, I have had thoughts very similar to Danitza (you’re not alone) and they have stuck with me for a long time. Now during every sexual encounter I get anxious and if there is no explicit “can I do this?” And “yes” my OCD spirals. Or it will latch onto something a little more grey or “rough”. Do you have some examples of ERP or acceptance techniques we can use to move past this? It is really painful and I dont want my anxiety to force me to leave them (this mixes with my ROCD). I know they are a good person and it’s a lovingrelationship but I cant shake these fears and thoughts! They’re convincing me it is reality. Thank you so much!:)
Hi Hana,
You’re on your way to putting OCD in its place because you already recognize the thoughts as OCD. Now you need to practice accepting them and focusing on acting in accordance with your values. As you said, you don’t want to leave your relationship out of anxiety. Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. I will be posting soon about not letting OCD manipulate you.
Hi! I too have these thoughts and I found this article through googling to make sure I was not the only one! You are not alone! These thoughts are horrible and have been a constant theme since the start of the me too movement and I feel like I am losing my mind! I even convinced myself at one point this couldn’t possibly be ocd bc I never see anyone with the theme of fear this would happen to them instead of them doing something to other people!
Ahhhh I’m so happy to read this it not only effects men. I am a lesbian and have these fears as well I’m in therapy for this and I’m so relieved to read this article
Hi Leslie,
I appreciate your comment. Even though my post talked about men, I have heard from a lot of women who share similar worries. Some have concerns about having committed a sexual assault or pressured a partner, and some are concerned that they have allowed themselves to be victims and worry about the moral character of their partners.
OCD spares nobody in a situation like this.
Hey I’m sorry for bothering but I have a small question, could it be something similar but in the perspective of the “victim” let’s say?
There’s this sexual encounter that I wasn’t so sure about, I expressed my concerns to the other person, so they stopped and asked me again if it was fine with me. And I said yes.
And it was fine, after it I felt a little off like as if I had forced myself into it. But I just thought about it as a bad experience and that I should be more strong next time I wasn’t so comfortable.
But the other day I saw a video about victims of rape and sexual coercion and I remembered that, idk, the idea if that ever happened to me got to me and I couldn’t brush it off. I remembered that time and started replaying it in my head, wether the other person did something to coerce me and I didn’t know that’s what it was, if I just said yes because I had the idea of “well I am already here”, or “it would be uncomfortable if he asked why I don’t want to so I might as well go with it”.
I have thought about so many options and searched about the topic, and compared.
I recognize the pattern, I know this feels like ocd but the idea that it may be real, and what that would imply in me and the other person (who is someone I still care about so much) makes me feel so scared
Hi Daniza,
You are not alone in your worries. I have heard from many people, both men and women, who have expressed similar concerns about having been victimized and then start to doubt the character of their partners. OCD can appear in many guises. The key in recognizing it is to see how much it is scaring you and occupying your thoughts and feelings.
Hi I am so happy I have came across your article about OCD and the #metoo era. This is exactly what I’m suffering from and have to go through the “mental evidence” day in day out. I feel uplifted that there is someone on this earth that understands this. The therapists I have had here in the uk so far were terrible. Started reading about the “authentic self” I think I need to focus on that now. Thank you so much
So glad it helped, Kieran.You might want to check out http://www.ocduk.org for resources in your area.