Lately I’ve been the target of phishing. I think that’s what it’s called. I’ve received a spate of emails from foreigners claiming to be in some kind of psychological crisis brought on by a breakup or work stress. They ask me in fractured English to schedule a series of therapy sessions because they’ll be coming to the US for an extended business trip or vacation and will need emotional support. Oh, and by the way. They’d like to prepay, so would I please contact their assistants and supply the number of the bank account where they can deposit the funds.

OK, I’ll admit it. I did reply to the first one, saying I’d be happy to set up a consultation, but that I don’t accept prepayment. See, I’m not that naïve. I wonder why I never heard back.

The most recent offering gave me a much needed hilarity break in the middle of a long workday. I was drinking my afternoon Starbucks iced coffee when I checked my email and did a spit take before I nearly fell off my chair from laughing so hard. I cannot do the message justice without sharing the main body of the text, verbatim, with you. Please note that, in the interest of protecting the confidentiality of the scam artist, I’m not revealing his full name, although I’ll tell you his first name is Eric. Here’s what Eric wrote, unedited:

Greetings,
I want to book for 2 weeks checkups and counseling, 1 or 2 hours each day Monday to Friday (morning or evening hours) for a group of 10. We will be coming for a one month vacation/holiday in your country from 15th Nov. 2011 and in line with our plans we will require 2 weeks checkups and counseling to help maintain our mental health due to the nature of our job and also to make our stay fun. After working consecutively for 6months, the lonely environment and the noise of the engines, we have decided to see a psychologist during our vacation for general mental health checkups.

He concluded by requesting to make the usual arrangements.

I’m intrigued by the part about the “lonely environment and the noise of the engines.” Is he a terrorist, practicing take offs and landings in the desert? Or an astronaut, maybe? And what’s with the bit about making “our stay fun?” Wouldn’t he rather go clubbing in Adams Morgan, or visit the Air and Space Museum to see some planes?

Eric should have done his homework to learn more about psychotherapy before scamming me. Now that I think about it, a lot of people (some members of my own family, even) have strange notions about what psychologists do. So if you’re contemplating seeing—or scamming—a mental health therapist, educate yourself first. You’ll have a better idea of what to expect from treatment and what you’d like to get out of it. But please don’t call me if you’re only looking to make your stay in DC fun. There are other kinds of professionals who’d do that much better.