Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Let’s Get Some Perspective
By Lynne Gots, posted on December 13th, 2023.
I have been a professional observer of human behavior for more years than I care to admit. In my experience, and I am by no means the first to say this, people are much touchier these days—quicker to take offense, react angrily to seemingly minor provocations, and denigrate others for expressing different opinions.
Leaving the obvious arenas of politics and world affairs aside, I see frequent evidence of these hair-trigger responses when I read social media posts in the groups I follow. Just recently, for instance, there was a heated discussion about an answer in the New York Times Connections game, which I have been playing daily. My approach is pretty laissez-faire: I try to do the best I can, competing with myself to beat previous scores, but I will use Google when necessary and concede defeat if I bomb out. I find it relaxing and fun and don’t care much about my performance.
But others, apparently, take it much more seriously. The Connections game has sixteen words that fit into four categories of four words each. It can be tricky because some of the words can work in more than one category. In a recent game that caused a furor among players, one category contained words that are countries when “land” is added to them: Fin, Ice, Ire, Nether. But as many incensed gamers noted, Netherland is not a country. They complained, they worked themselves up into a frenzy over the editing error, and they even attacked each other over either being too pedantic or not caring enough about grammatical correctness.
The Times apparently took the criticism to heart because when I looked at the game later that day to refresh my memory for this post, the word Nether was gone and was replaced by Green. Which should have made some of the haters happy but, predictably, only led to more dissent in the group.
All very trivial, to be sure. But it reflects a broader concern: the fear of doing or saying something wrong and being publicly skewered for it. I see this worry coming up much more frequently these days in the people seeking treatment with me for OCD. Most of the calls I get lately are not from compulsive hand-washers or stove-checkers but from individuals with obsessional worries about having committed an offensive or immoral act. And because OCD thrives on ambiguity, these imagined transgressions are not obvious or clear-cut, such as inappropriately touching someone or cheating on your income taxes, but fall into the realm of “what if I accidentally did this terrible thing I may not even know I did?”
As with any OCD worry, the solution is not to review the past to determine what really happened (because memory is unreliable and will never yield the desired certainty) or to seek reassurance from others. It is to give yourself grace. Acknowledge your mistake, if you actually made one, accept your imperfections, learn from the experience, and move on.
Self-compassion and kindness towards others are two qualities in short supply these days. Let’s work on cultivating them.
Posted in General, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, self-compassion |
Why You Should Avoid Avoidance if You Have Anxiety
By Lynne Gots, posted on March 7th, 2023.
If you struggle to cope with anxiety, I guarantee you have developed patterns of avoidance to minimize feelings of distress. The current prevalence of trigger warnings accompanying TV shows, live performances, and social media posts may make avoidance appear to be an appropriate strategy. But protecting yourself from potential triggering content or situations will only heighten your anxiety, make it harder to tolerate in the long run, and seriously affect your enjoyment of life.
I am not suggesting a head-first plunge from the high board into the deep end of the anxiety pool as a means of overcoming trauma or unpleasant feelings. You can start at the shallow end, dip a toe in, and then ease in slowly, if the gradual approach suits you better. Ultimately, though, you have to get wet.
Minimizing avoidance is the rationale behind Exposure and Response-Prevention treatment, the primary evidence-based behavioral treatment for OCD and other anxiety-driven syndromes. There is even a protocol called Prolonged Exposure used to treat PTSD symptoms stemming from serious traumatic events such as combat. Any type of exposure treatment involves seeking out triggers and learning to tolerate the discomfort they provoke (or, in the case of Prolonged Exposure for PTSD, reliving the trauma over and over by visualizing it repeatedly).
For debilitating anxiety or trauma, you should undertake exposure exercises only with the support and guidance of a qualified professional. But if you see yourself opting out of situations that simply make you uncomfortable, such as social events, driving, or even shopping at a different grocery store, you can find opportunities to push yourself toward the discomfort every day.
Whenever I catch myself finding excuses not to engage in an activity that makes me nervous, I try to practice what I preach and do it anyway.
In the fall I organized a group of neighbors to play Pickleball. We were all beginners, equally clumsy and clueless, and it was fun. But then an injury sidelined me. I didn’t play again for four months, until a few weeks ago, when I was invited to join a group of regular players. Most of them play daily. They are at a level far above mine, and they are very competitive.
Despite considerable trepidation, I forced myself to go. I was embarrassed by my lack of skill and felt myself transported back to middle school, when I was the last to be picked for the team in whatever sport we were playing. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt close to tears.
I really wanted to make an excuse never to return. Which is exactly why I forced myself to go back the next week, and then again a few days later.
I am still the weakest link but my skills have improved. More important, I am proud I didn’t let my feelings of awkwardness and discomfort get the better of me. I may or may not keep playing with the group, but if I choose to stop or look for other, less intense Pickleball partners, I can be confident I am not letting anxiety drive my decision.
So get out there. Force yourself to do whatever your anxious brain is telling you to avoid. Don’t let it boss you around. You will be glad you pushed back and stopped letting anxiety control you.
Tags: anxiety, behavior change, OCD
Posted in General |
How to Keep Your Anxiety from Spreading Like a Virus in the Face of COVID-19 [Updated]
By Lynne Gots, posted on March 7th, 2020.
The new Coronavirus outbreak has infiltrated our public consciousness, and it is exhausting. When the media are constantly bombarding us with updates about fatality counts and quarantines, even the most unflappable are finding it hard to stay calm. Everyone seems to be running to the nearest supermarket to stockpile disinfectant wipes, bottled water, and canned goods. So how are people with health anxiety and OCD—who are already prone to excessive worry about uncertainty, contamination, and illness— supposed to cope?
In treating anxiety, I use the evidence-based approach called Exposure/Response Prevention to help people tackle their fears and limit the compulsive behaviors, such as excessive washing, designed to make them feel less anxious about risk. But some of the practices my colleagues and I would typically recommend for someone with contamination worries, such as limiting hand-washing and avoiding the use of hand-sanitizer, fly in the face of current public health recommendations. Even so, if you keep in mind the rationale for exposure-based approaches to anxiety, which is to learn to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, you can still come up with a personal plan allowing you to follow reasonable disease- prevention guidelines without letting your anxiety skyrocket and control your behavior.
- Take reasonable precautions.
Use only one source, such as the CDC, to create your “response-prevention plan,” or rules for practicing sensible health habits without giving into compulsions. Follow the plan you’ve made in advance so you don’t let anxiety dictate your behavior in the moment. - Less is better than more if you have OCD. For example, the CDC says “clean frequently…wash your hands often…for at least 20 seconds.” The words “frequently,” “often,” and, “at least” are ambiguous—and potential landmines for the OCD brain. Accepting uncertainty is a vital component of OCD treatment but, in this case, vague guidelines are not helpful. Decide you’ll wash your hands for 20 seconds, not 40 or 60 “just to be safe.” Don’t let anxiety make you doubt, second- guess, or modify the plan.
- Limit your consumption of the news and social media. You will be informed enough without knowing every detail about the outbreak. Decide which news outlets you will follow, how long you will spend reading them, and put yourself on a predetermined schedule for checking your sources. Don’t go down a rabbit hole seeking information. Unless you are on the frontline of the public health effort, you don’t need to know as much as the experts. And don’t look to random internet sources for preventative measures. According to a recent Washington Post column, Craig’s List is selling DIY Coronavirus vaccines. Which don’t exist.yet.
- *Don’t modify your activities just because you’re anxious. Unless your employer has implemented a mandatory telework policy, continue to go to work. Take your kids to the playground. Eat out if you normally enjoy going to restaurants. Spend time with friends. Shop at the supermarket. Get haircuts and manicures (sadly, many of my Chinese manicurist’s clients have been cancelling appointments out of misplaced fear). Of course, you should follow your response-prevention plan for washing when you are in public places where you are coming into contact with a lot of people. *See update below.
- Practice mindfulness and acceptance techniques. Whether you use meditation, yoga, prayer, or exercise, focusing your attention on the present moment, rather than ruminating about a catastrophic, uncertain future, can help you cope.
This is a challenging time for all of us. But we don’t need to make it worse than it already is by fueling our anxiety. If we practice responding to the uncertainty with reason and thoughtfulness rather than reacting out of panic, everyone will benefit.
Update: When I wrote this post only ten days ago, the coronavirus situation was very different from how it is now. The current national emergency mandates strict social-distancing practices, which make my advice to carry on normal activities no longer medically sound. or feasible.
I will be writing another post in the coming days with tips for staying sane while stuck in the house.
Tags: coronavirus anxiety, OCD
Posted in Anxiety, COVID-19 Mental Health, General, Health Anxiety, Mental Health and the Media, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder |
