Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
How to Keep Trying in the Face of Obstacles: Lessons from a Dog
By Lynne Gots, posted on August 13th, 2012.
My dog Baxter is at it again. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s crazy for vegetables, and he’ll do anything to get to the few gnarled green tomatoes and warty cucumbers in my pathetic garden. Given the opportunity, he’ll even go after the jalapeños. Nothing deters him—not the triple-reinforced plastic fencing, not the gates and makeshift barricades, not even the noxious sprays guaranteed to repel deer and other wildlife.
We could all take a page from Baxter’s book. I’d call it The Little Dog that Could. Watching him case the perimeter in search of a breach in the fortifications, I imagine him saying, “I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I can!” until he breaks through, triumphant, and scarfs as much produce as he can before I drag him out by the collar.
Even when he snatches the only ripening tomato off the vine, I can’t help but admire his tenacity. Call it the unbridled optimism of the simple-minded, if you will, but I choose to see it as sheer determination. He never gives up.
Unlike Baxter, many of us humans tend to get discouraged when obstacles stand in our way. I’ve seen lots of recent college graduates (my own daughter included) who want to throw in the towel after ten, twenty, or fifty job applications meet with rejection—or worse, get no response at all. Of course it’s profoundly disheartening for a former academic superstar to find herself unemployed with no clear prospects for the future. But summoning the wherewithal to keep plugging away with no immediate rewards in sight is a life skill worth cultivating—and one with the potential to yield a far greater payoff than any entry-level job.
Being a dog has its advantages. I doubt Baxter has to deal with a running stream of self-defeating thoughts telling him he’s not smart enough or strong enough or young enough or canine enough to break through the fence. He’s surely not predicting he’ll never eat another tomato again. He just keeps digging and scratching away. Even getting his head stuck in the plastic netting hasn’t scared him off. He was back at it the very next day.
Yesterday I harvested the first tomatoes from my garden. I’m planning to enjoy them tonight with a drizzle of olive oil, a sprinkle of sea salt, and a handful of my own homegrown basil.
And I’ll be sharing a few bites with Baxter.
Tags: cognitive-behavioral therapy, dogs, motivation
Posted in Dogs, General, Motivation |
When Perfectionism is a Problem
By Lynne Gots, posted on August 7th, 2012.
If you’ve determined perfectionism is causing you problems (see my last post), you still might think your exacting standards help more than they hurt. After all, hasn’t your drive to succeed gotten where you are?
One of the most common questions I hear from the people who come to me when perfectionism starts getting in their way is, “What’s so wrong with wanting to be the best?”
Pushing yourself to work your hardest is admirable (and especially valued among the workaholics of DC!). But striving for success isn’t the same as driving yourself to achieve perfection. Psychologists make a distinction between what’s described as “adaptive” and “maladaptive” perfectionism. I like to call the first “healthy ambition.” It’s not at all the same as “problem perfectionism.”
Here are some differences between the two:
You have healthy ambition if:
√ You set challenging but realistic standards for yourself
√ You focus on the process as much as the product when working towards a goal
√ You expect success but don’t let failure stop you from trying again
√ You’re open to criticism and learn from your mistakes
√ You bounce back from setbacks
√ You’re flexible and open to different approaches to solving problems
√ You want to excel
√ Your sense of self-worth isn’t tied to performance
√ Your thinking is balanced and realistic, not all-or-nothing
You’re a problem perfectionist if:
√ You strive to live up to out-of-reach or overly strict standards
√ You focus only on the outcome and don’t enjoy the process
√ You fear failure
√ You’re defensive about criticism and dwell on it
√ You get discouraged by setbacks and give up
√ You think there’s only one way to solve a problem
√ You believe you should excel
√ Your sense of self-worth is tied to your performance
√ Your thinking is black and white: either you’re perfect or you’re a failure
If you find yourself frequently dwelling on mistakes (or perceived mistakes, as problem perfectionists often blow minor errors out of proportion), getting mired in self-criticism, and focusing on performance at the expense of everything else, you may be a problem perfectionist.
CBT can help. By reexamining your values and modifying your thought patterns, you can learn to find a more satisfying balance in your life and feel more content with where you are rather than always looking ahead to where you think you should be.
And, yes, it even might open the way for you to reach your fullest potential.
Tags: perfectionism
Posted in General |
Is Perfectionism Causing You Problems?
By Lynne Gots, posted on July 26th, 2012.
In my practice, I see many high-achievers—lawyers and law students, physicians, bureaucrats with high-level security clearances, tenured academics, college students completing dual majors while undertaking impressive internships, economists, research scientists, Hill staffers. But in spite of their academic and professional successes, they often lack confidence in their abilities. When they have to complete a project, anxiety overwhelms them. They may avoid getting started or take so long to write even a simple email that they’re not as productive or efficient as they’d like to be. Or they may complete their work but then spend hours doubting its quality.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you set very high standards for yourself and/or others?
- Do you stick with a task long after everyone else has quit because you have to get it right?
- Do you find fault with yourself and/or others?
- Do you frequently doubt yourself and have trouble making decisions?
- Do you keep problems to yourself because you’re afraid others will judge you for not having it all together?
- Do you beat yourself up if you make a mistake?
- Do you ever avoid trying a new sport or other activity because you might not be good at it?
- Do people ever say you’re too hard on yourself?
- Do you have trouble with procrastination?
- Do you frequently compare yourself to others and come up short?
- Do you always think about how you could have done better even when you’ve accomplished a goal?
- If you meet one of your goals, do you feel little satisfaction because you’ve already set a newer, more challenging goal for yourself?
- Are thoughts about achieving and achievement in important areas of your life (such as at work, in academic endeavors, or in sports or the arts) always on your mind?
- Do you evaluate your self-worth on the basis of your achievements?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, perfectionism may be causing problems for you.
In my next post, I’ll explain why.
Tags: perfectionism
Posted in Perfectionism |
