Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

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When Perfectionism is a Problem

By Lynne Gots, posted on August 7th, 2012.

If you’ve determined perfectionism is causing you problems (see my last post), you still might think your exacting standards help more than they hurt. After all, hasn’t your drive to succeed gotten where you are?

One of the most common questions I hear from the people who come to me when perfectionism starts getting in their way is, “What’s so wrong with wanting to be the best?”

Pushing yourself to work your hardest is admirable (and especially valued among the workaholics of DC!). But striving for success isn’t the same as driving yourself to achieve perfection. Psychologists make a distinction between what’s described as “adaptive” and “maladaptive” perfectionism. I like to call the first “healthy ambition.” It’s not at all the same as “problem perfectionism.”

Here are some differences between the two:

You have healthy ambition if:

√  You set challenging but realistic standards for yourself

√  You focus on the process as much as the product when working towards a goal

√ You expect success but don’t let failure stop you from trying again

√ You’re open to criticism and learn from your mistakes

√ You bounce back from setbacks

√  You’re flexible and open to different approaches to solving problems

√  You want to excel

√  Your sense of self-worth isn’t tied to performance

√  Your thinking is balanced and realistic, not all-or-nothing

You’re a problem perfectionist if:

√  You strive to live up to out-of-reach or overly strict standards

√  You focus only on the outcome and don’t enjoy the process

√ You fear failure

√ You’re defensive about criticism and dwell on it

√  You get discouraged by setbacks and give up

√  You think there’s only one way to solve a problem

√  You believe you should excel

√ Your sense of self-worth is tied to your performance

√ Your thinking is black and white:  either you’re perfect or you’re a failure

If you find yourself frequently dwelling on mistakes (or perceived mistakes, as problem perfectionists often blow minor errors out of proportion), getting mired in self-criticism, and focusing on performance at the expense of everything else, you may be a problem perfectionist.

CBT can help. By reexamining your values and modifying your thought patterns, you can learn to find a more satisfying balance in your life and feel more content with where you are rather than always looking ahead to where you think you should be.

And, yes, it even might open the way for you to reach your fullest potential.




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Breaking Bad . . . Habits

By Lynne Gots, posted on June 18th, 2012.

In my last post I came clean about my word game addiction. I’m pleased to say I’ve taken steps to detox, and although I still have some work to do, I’ve made progress. I’ve been road-testing some research-proven techniques for habit change and have found a few particularly helpful.

1. Doing a cost-benefit analysis of the habit I wanted to change boosted my motivation at the outset and has gotten me back on track when I’ve slipped. Writing down the costs and benefits is critical even if you think you’re fully aware of them. In a moment of weakness, it’s too easy to rationalize away the costs. Having them in front of you in black and white, to review when your resolve falters, not only can strengthen your determination but also can help you delay the impulse to give into temptation, allowing the urge time to dissipate.

Don’t be too quick to downplay the benefits of a bad habit or even an addiction—the rewards keep a behavior going. Most of the benefits I listed are common to most self-soothing activities that backfire when done to excess, such as eating or drinking: they’re fun, pass time, and are relaxing.Two additional positive aspects of playing word games make it unlikely I’ll relinquish them completely: they’re mentally challenging and build brain power.

On the cost side, I came up with the following: they give me headaches, cause me to lose sleep, detract from more productive pursuits, interfere with conversation, make me feel guilty for wasting time, and annoy my husband.

So I set a goal I thought would be reasonable and achievable: to limit the time I spend playing word games and make the activity a conscious choice I can control rather than a mindless time-filler.

2.  Tracking the habit provided me with useful, albeit disturbing, information about it. I could easily fool myself into believing my game-playing wasn’t excessive until I started recording the time. Twenty or thirty minutes? Think again. The first day I logged an appalling two hours—five minutes here and ten minutes there can add up before you know it. The next day, motivated by embarrassment at my sloth, I cut my time in half.

3. Identifying the triggers, both external and internal, helped keep me from mindlessly clicking on Word Scramble. The kitchen table is a bad place for me to sit after dinner because that’s where I usually play (and snack—another mindless habit I’d like to break). Also, I’m tired at night and have depleted my daily store of willpower, so I’m more apt to succumb to habits without thinking.

4. Building willpower daily by doing one or two brief exercises to practice initiating activities and resisting impulses gave me another boost. Think of willpower as a muscle you need to exercise. I applied a strategy drawn from the social psychology research. A substantial body of evidence shows that consistently practicing self-control exercises—even small, arbitrary ones such as throwing away the junk mail or refraining from swearing—can help develop the willpower you’ll need for bigger challenges.

I chose a task I hate doing but takes less than five minutes: brushing my dog Freddie. He hates it, too, so I always put it off until he’s badly matted. Now every day when we come in from our walk—while he’s still on the leash and can’t run away from me—I spend a few minutes grooming him. I still feel a powerful urge to forego the brief ordeal, especially when I’m pressed for time, but I’ve managed to do it anyway.

Being able to “do it anyway” is the key here. If you can remind yourself that not wanting to tackle a chore is just a feeling you can push through, you’ll be in better shape to resist those willpower-depleting urges.

(For more on the subject of willpower and lots of useful tips on how to cultivate it, check out The Willpower Instinct by psychologist Kelly McGonigal, PhD.)

5. Finding a substitute that is equally satisfying but more easily contained also helps. I’m not talking about eating a 60-calorie Fudgsicle when you’re really craving a piece of chocolate triple layer cake.  That trick never worked for me. But replacing Word Scramble with a page-turner detective novel really fit the bill. The book served equally well if not better as a way to relax and put off doing chores—so effectively, in fact, that I spent an entire Saturday reading and getting nothing else done.

My son, who was also hooked on Word Scramble thanks to me, found another way to break his habit. He beat the game so many times—scoring over 2000 points and causing the app repeatedly to shut down—he no longer found it at all challenging. He was done.

But I’m not likely to outplay the game any time soon. So I’ll just have to keep plugging away, building my willpower one small step at a time.

 




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Coming Clean About My Addiction

By Lynne Gots, posted on May 31st, 2012.

It wasn’t a problem at first. I only did it on the weekends, socially. Then I started to allow myself one or two after work to unwind. Before I knew it, I needed a couple before bed to help me sleep, then a few after I woke up in the morning to get going. Even though too many made my head pound, I had trouble knowing when to stop. When my husband started objecting and I began sneaking around, making excuses and hiding the evidence from him, I knew it had gotten completely out of control.

No, I’m not talking about cocaine or alcohol. I’m addicted to word games.

My gateway drug was Scrabble. I played it when I was growing up. Later I introduced my kids to it. Two of them became devotees themselves and now beat me more often than not. The fierce competition among us has always made it especially exciting. But the last few times we’ve gotten together as a family, nobody has wanted to join me in a game because, thanks to the Internet and smart phones, everyone (me included) now can play at any time, day or night, with or without a real opponent. It’s not special any more.

I do still play Scrabble with my son—electronically. I don’t find the Kindle version nearly as satisfying as the in-person one with the real board and the plastic tiles that rattle when you shake them up in their brown felt bag.  Without the evocative tactile and auditory reminders of the games I played with my parents and of those with my kids when they were younger, I find the whole experience rather sterile. Besides, my son’s playing habits consist of making one move and then not responding to mine for the next four or five days. It goes much too slowly for my taste.

So I started competing against the computer, which is either too challenging (it gets a “Bingo” and fifty bonus points by using up all its letters at least three times during the course of a round) or not challenging enough (I always win), depending on whether you set it for “Hard” or “Normal.” I’ve also tried playing with random strangers. I often lose (the people who compete in Scrabble on-line seem pretty hard core) or end up with the same frustration I feel in games with my son if my opponent takes too long to make a move.

Words with Friends is Scrabble Lite as far as I’m concerned. It’s much easier to score big. At first I distained it, especially since I almost always win games against unknown opponents. But now I play against my hairstylist—usually four games simultaneously—and because she’s seriously into it and responds to my moves immediately from her iPhone (between snips, I imagine), I’m hooked.

I wish we could have stopped there. But a few weeks ago while she was blow-drying my hair, she casually mentioned Word Shaker, a word scramble game like Boggle. Now I curse the day I purchased the app for $1.99.

I’m not very good at it because it requires visual-spatial acuity—not my strong suit. My sense of direction is famously poor, so backwards-spelled words don’t jump out at me. But its features—a timer and instant rankings—make it irresistible for performance-oriented people like me.

If Scrabble is the gateway drug, then Word Shaker is the crack of word games.

I know my husband would like to stage an intervention. But he can’t enlist anyone’s help. They’re all playing, too.

Last night my son and I actually sat down for a live round of Scrabble. And we also traded the Kindle between moves to get in a few quick games of Word Shaker while we waited for each other to place our tiles. (He’s much better at Word Shaker than I am, having achieved the ranking of #1 in the world on more than one occasion.) That’s when I realized my social playing has become a full-blown, binge-gaming habit.

I’m going to quit cold turkey. Really. I am.

Tomorrow.




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This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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