Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Seeking Reassurance: an Often Unrecognized Compulsion
By Lynne Gots, posted on February 21st, 2014.
If you’re prone to anxiety, you know how shaky it can make you feel—not just physically (that’s why it’s called “the jitters”) but also emotionally. When you’re stuck in a cycle of worrying, you start to question everything.
One common way to respond to doubt is by looking for reassurance. A person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for instance, may lock the door and then return again and again to check it, or jiggle the knob five, ten, or twenty times to make sure it’s secure. Or she may leave but mentally reenact her departure on her way to work to convince herself she turned the key and heard the latch click.
In the case of repetitive door-checking or any other ritual involving actions you can observe, it’s easy to see how seeking reassurance can become a disruptive compulsion. But other forms of compulsive reassurance-seeking are less obvious, though no less problematic.
Many reassurance rituals take place internally, as with the OCD-sufferer who tries to picture locking the door after she’s left the house. Mental compulsions also occur frequently with the so-called “repugnant” obsessions—fears of being a pedophile or a murderer, say. While such obsessions are an extremely common manifestation of OCD, people who experience them usually feel intensely ashamed and will go to great lengths to keep them hidden.
Incessant questioning is another typical reassurance ritual aimed at minimizing anxiety about uncertainty. It might take the form of constantly polling friends for their opinions about a romantic partner or repeatedly asking a colleague if the boss seemed annoyed when you were five minutes late for the staff meeting. The key words here are “constantly” and “repeatedly.” Asking for others’ opinions and feedback isn’t necessarily an unhealthy practice. But when the need for reassurance is driven by anxiety, getting someone else’s take on a situation is never enough to quell the doubt and the feelings of dread accompanying it.
In our age of infinite information access, it’s especially easy to indulge the urge to question. Have your friends gotten sick of telling you they think your girlfriend is cool? No problem. Just google “How do I know if my partner is right for me?” and you’ll find countless answers*.
[Caution: Don’t read this if you’re prone to relationship anxiety.] *My own search turned up, just for starters: 31 Ways to Know You’re In the Right Relationship, 10 Ways to Know if the Relationship is “Right,” Courage to Know When a Relationship is Not Right for You, Should I Break Up with My Boyfriend Quiz, How to Determine if You’ve Found Your Soulmate, and I’m Not Sure If I Want to Break Up with My Boyfriend.
For people with health anxiety, looking for reassurance online can be a particularly compelling ritual. Worrying about that suspicious lump? Ask WebMd! There are even sites where you can send photos of whatever ails you to be evaluated by a real doctor. (But, to be clear, I’m not recommending it.)
It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re only being thorough if you’re in the habit of doing endless research before making a major life decision or even just a minor purchase. But anxiety about a wrong choice is often the driving force behind such indecisiveness. For those perfectionistic types, selecting a course of graduate study might involve looking into countless degree programs; taking the GRE, LSAT, and GMAT to cover all the bases; comparing employment statistics for different careers; going on dozens of informational interviews; and asking friends and family for their recommendations and advice.
If you feel you need to know all the options before making a decision, even a low-risk commitment like buying a pair of rain boots might set off the process of exhaustive research and advice-seeking.
I can relate. Even though I usually can decide with only a little hesitation about where to stay on vacations and which kitchen appliances to buy, I’m less confident when it comes to interior decoration. I confess to having recently wasted an entire afternoon searching for an end table after having uncovered the “25 Best” online design sites and looking at all of them. And I still haven’t ordered any furniture.
Seeking reassurance, whether through compulsive checking, mental reviewing, or information gathering clearly can get in the way of decisive action. So how do you know if it’s a problem for you or just an occasional annoyance? I’ll explain in my next post.
Tags: checking, health anxiety, indecision, obsessive compulsive disorder, reassurance rituals, relationship OCD
Posted in Anxiety, Health Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism |
How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy, Revisited: Making Mistakes
By Lynne Gots, posted on February 3rd, 2014.
In my last post—How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy and Start Getting Things Done—I shared my five favorite productivity strategies. I tweeted the link, and it was retweeted, generating nearly five thousand hits to my website that day. I was thrilled—until I realized I’d omitted a word in my Tweet.
“How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy and Start Getting Things” was what I’d actually written, leaving off the “done” and completely changing the meaning. And, apparently, capturing the interest of thousands of people wanting to find out the secret to acquisition.
I was momentarily embarrassed. But I reminded myself of the fleeting nature of Twitter and got over it. Besides, a minor mistake had produced a serendipitous result. Maybe not a revolutionary or profitable invention, like some other legendary blunders (penicillin, the Slinky, Silly Putty, Toll House cookies, the pacemaker, dynamite, and the microwave oven, to name just a few), but an illustration nevertheless of why being overly cautious may stifle creativity.
Now if only I could actually figure out how to get things . . . The post just might go viral.
Tags: famous mistakes, making mistakes, perfectionism
Posted in Perfectionism |
One Common but Often Hidden Cause of Procrastination
By Lynne Gots, posted on November 10th, 2013.
As I said in my last post, procrastination isn’t a one-size-fits-all problem. It can result from many factors, but laziness usually isn’t one of them.
In fact, many highly conscientious, driven, guilt-ridden, achievement-oriented people are procrastinators. They may spend countless hours plodding away on a project or building up to it without actually getting started. They’re not averse to hard work.
They’re perfectionists.
If you set unrelenting, high standards for yourself and never feel satisfied with your accomplishments, you may be what I call a “problem perfectionist.” You might think the label doesn’t apply to you because your extreme efforts don’t achieve the results you want so badly. You may even think of yourself as an underachiever.
But perfectionism isn’t about actually attaining perfection. It has much more to do with how you behave in your quest towards your goals than in the product of your efforts.
Problem perfectionists often take extreme measures to avoid failure, risk, and uncertainty about their performance. And that’s where procrastination plays a role.
Putting off starting a difficult project and waiting until the time feels “right” to undertake a big task are two common ways problem perfectionists manage their anxiety about performance. Unfortunately, these tactics usually backfire, leading to paralyzing stress when deadlines approach.
You’d think problem perfectionists would learn that putting off challenging tasks hinders their performance. After all, when you’re anxious and short on time, you can’t possibly do your best. But problem perfectionists become chronic procrastinators due to a phenomenon called “self-handicapping.” Procrastination helps them rationalize a mediocre work product (“I would have done better if I’d had more time.”) and save face with themselves and others.
If this sounds like you, consider trying a different tactic the next time you find yourself putting off a project. First, decide if the task warrants an A+ effort (and be honest with yourself in assessing its degree of importance). If you think an 85% would suffice, set that as your goal before you even start instead of sabotaging yourself by procrastinating. In the end,you’ll end up with the same result—possibly a better one, even—minus the emotional costs.
Posted in Perfectionism, procrastination |
