Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
When Perfectionism is a Problem
By Lynne Gots, posted on August 7th, 2012.
If you’ve determined perfectionism is causing you problems (see my last post), you still might think your exacting standards help more than they hurt. After all, hasn’t your drive to succeed gotten where you are?
One of the most common questions I hear from the people who come to me when perfectionism starts getting in their way is, “What’s so wrong with wanting to be the best?”
Pushing yourself to work your hardest is admirable (and especially valued among the workaholics of DC!). But striving for success isn’t the same as driving yourself to achieve perfection. Psychologists make a distinction between what’s described as “adaptive” and “maladaptive” perfectionism. I like to call the first “healthy ambition.” It’s not at all the same as “problem perfectionism.”
Here are some differences between the two:
You have healthy ambition if:
√ You set challenging but realistic standards for yourself
√ You focus on the process as much as the product when working towards a goal
√ You expect success but don’t let failure stop you from trying again
√ You’re open to criticism and learn from your mistakes
√ You bounce back from setbacks
√ You’re flexible and open to different approaches to solving problems
√ You want to excel
√ Your sense of self-worth isn’t tied to performance
√ Your thinking is balanced and realistic, not all-or-nothing
You’re a problem perfectionist if:
√ You strive to live up to out-of-reach or overly strict standards
√ You focus only on the outcome and don’t enjoy the process
√ You fear failure
√ You’re defensive about criticism and dwell on it
√ You get discouraged by setbacks and give up
√ You think there’s only one way to solve a problem
√ You believe you should excel
√ Your sense of self-worth is tied to your performance
√ Your thinking is black and white: either you’re perfect or you’re a failure
If you find yourself frequently dwelling on mistakes (or perceived mistakes, as problem perfectionists often blow minor errors out of proportion), getting mired in self-criticism, and focusing on performance at the expense of everything else, you may be a problem perfectionist.
CBT can help. By reexamining your values and modifying your thought patterns, you can learn to find a more satisfying balance in your life and feel more content with where you are rather than always looking ahead to where you think you should be.
And, yes, it even might open the way for you to reach your fullest potential.
Tags: perfectionism
Posted in General |
Is Perfectionism Causing You Problems?
By Lynne Gots, posted on July 26th, 2012.
In my practice, I see many high-achievers—lawyers and law students, physicians, bureaucrats with high-level security clearances, tenured academics, college students completing dual majors while undertaking impressive internships, economists, research scientists, Hill staffers. But in spite of their academic and professional successes, they often lack confidence in their abilities. When they have to complete a project, anxiety overwhelms them. They may avoid getting started or take so long to write even a simple email that they’re not as productive or efficient as they’d like to be. Or they may complete their work but then spend hours doubting its quality.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you set very high standards for yourself and/or others?
- Do you stick with a task long after everyone else has quit because you have to get it right?
- Do you find fault with yourself and/or others?
- Do you frequently doubt yourself and have trouble making decisions?
- Do you keep problems to yourself because you’re afraid others will judge you for not having it all together?
- Do you beat yourself up if you make a mistake?
- Do you ever avoid trying a new sport or other activity because you might not be good at it?
- Do people ever say you’re too hard on yourself?
- Do you have trouble with procrastination?
- Do you frequently compare yourself to others and come up short?
- Do you always think about how you could have done better even when you’ve accomplished a goal?
- If you meet one of your goals, do you feel little satisfaction because you’ve already set a newer, more challenging goal for yourself?
- Are thoughts about achieving and achievement in important areas of your life (such as at work, in academic endeavors, or in sports or the arts) always on your mind?
- Do you evaluate your self-worth on the basis of your achievements?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, perfectionism may be causing problems for you.
In my next post, I’ll explain why.
Tags: perfectionism
Posted in Perfectionism |
Don’t Let the Perfect Be the Enemy of the Good
By Lynne Gots, posted on July 17th, 2012.
If you’re like me, you have no shortage of ideas about how to improve yourself. Eat more vegetables. Cut down on sweets. Meditate. Get more sleep. Lift weights. Drink more water. Learn to cook Thai food. Practice the piano. Brush up on conversational French. [Insert your own favorites here.]
And if you’re like me, and many others, you also may have trouble following through with your plans.
Why is it so easy for us to think of all the ways we’d like to create newer, better versions of ourselves and so hard for us to make the changes happen?
I think it’s because we don’t just set out to develop healthier habits or find new creative outlets. We imagine no less than a total transformation and deem anything short of a complete makeover as insufficient—not worth the effort.
Take a writer I know. She lives alone. She works from home and can follow any schedule that suits her. She’s a night owl and has a surge of energy after 10 pm, often staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning when her creative juices are flowing. As a result, she usually sleeps until noon unless she’s scheduled a morning meeting. But she always sets her alarm for 8 because she views herself as lazy for spending half a conventional workday in bed. She starts every morning with the fantasy of getting up when she “should” and always winds up hitting Snooze five times before she turns off the alarm in disgust and goes back to sleep. When she finally does drag herself out of bed, never fully rested due to the interrupted sleep, she feels upset with herself. Not the best way to start the day.
Yet when I suggested she just face the fact that she’s not a morning person and set the alarm for a more realistic time (say, 11:30), when she actually might be able to get up, she looked aghast.
“I couldn’t possibly do that. That’s so late!”
Sure she’d like to bound out of bed at 8. But right now she’s not starting her day until noon. So why wouldn’t it make sense to try rising just a half hour earlier?
Because she’s letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Seems silly, doesn’t it? But when it comes to ourselves, we often can’t see as clearly how our visions of The Perfect keep us from even beginning to make a dent in the patterns we’d like to change.
Think about one of those self-improvement ideas you’ve had for a while but never seem to carry out. If the undertaking seems overwhelming, you might just be letting your vision of the perfect you block your path forward. So instead of focusing on where you want to be (which may seem impossibly distant), look at where you are right now, and start by taking just one ridiculously small step in the right direction.
Tags: habit change, perfectionism, self-improvement
Posted in Behavior Change, Perfectionism, Self-help |
