Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Lynne S. Gots, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

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Don’t Believe Everything You Think

By Lynne Gots, posted on March 13th, 2013.

Have you ever acted cooly towards a coworker because she seemed aloof and condescending, then gotten to know her better and realized she’s just shy and insecure? Or felt hurt when a friend forgot your birthday, then learned he’d been laid low by the flu?

These examples illustrate a central premise of cognitive-behavior therapy: thoughts are not facts. Our interpretations are hypotheses, and often—especially when strong emotional reactions are involved—they don’t hold up under objective scrutiny.

Take the assumptions we form during virtual interactions. Emails and texts notoriously lend themselves to drawing conclusions based on inferences— the meaning of an exclamation point or emoticom, say, or the absence thereof. It’s easy to read into the speed or length of a response, too.

Having been married for many years, long before the advent of Match.com, I never tried online dating. (Though a classmate and I did create a matchmaking inventory for a course requirement in graduate school. Too bad we were too shortsighted to realize its potential!) But I have no trouble envisioning the stories my mind would spin about possible suitors. My imagination has run away with me in situations where I have far less at stake emotionally.

I’ve talked before about my preoccupation with—OK, addiction to—Words With Friends. Mostly, I maintain ongoing games with people I know. But occasionally I get tired of waiting for them to make a move and seek out a random opponent.

I’ve developed a virtual friendship with one, whose screen name is “Amadbama.” Unlike many of the strangers I’ve played against, Amadbama kept initiating new games despite losing frequently, and by many points, to me. I was impressed by the sportsmanship and persistence. So one day, when Amadbama scored 109 points on a triple word play, I offered my congratulations.

Thus began our exchanges—just a few, impersonal comments at first, then some more details about where we’re from, our families, and the like.

This is where my assumptions started to get turned upside down.

At first I envisioned Amadbama as a young (because that’s probably the likely demographic for people playing games online), Muslim (because Amad has a Middle Eastern ring to it) man living in Alabama (‘bama). Then I learned he lives in Michigan.

OK, so the new geographic information required me to revise my hypothesis slightly. But it also bolstered my theory about his being Muslim because Michigan is home to the largest Muslim population in the US.

Then in a conversation about our respective Thanksgivings, Amadbama said he’d gone to bed at 8:00 pm because entertaining the six grandkids had been exhausting. I updated my mental image of him from a twenty-something to a bearded patriarch.

Recently I learned the truth (or, at least, what I assume to be true) about Amadbama’s identity: she is a 55-year-old woman named Susan. I was sorely disappointed to lose my multicultural friendship, even though it was only a figment of my overactive imagination.

And another thing. Susan’s game has improved dramatically, and she now beats me quite often. She seems like a completely different player.

I assume she must be cheating.




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Posted in Cognitive-behavior Therapy |

Digging Out of a Negative Thinking Hole

By Lynne Gots, posted on August 31st, 2012.

I’m writing this at 7:00 am, in my office. I left for work this morning in an autopilot haze, thinking I had a 7:00 am appointment as I usually do on Fridays, and not bothering to check my schedule.

Oops.

My first reaction was annoyance at myself. OK, maybe a little more than annoyance. I felt myself sinking into a full-blown funk. Being an experienced cognitive-behavioral therapist, I had no trouble capturing the negative thoughts fueling the feelings:

“That was really stupid!”

“You could have slept for another half hour.”

“Or you could have gotten up and walked the dogs. It’ll be too hot for a long walk when you get home, and you won’t get any exercise.”

“You don’t get enough exercise. You’re really out of shape.”

“Now you’ll be really tired all day when you could have felt rested.”

“You should always look at your calendar.”

If you’re familiar with the CBT model and its concept of thinking errors—characteristic patterns of distorted thinking associated with negative moods—you’ll recognize a few in my litany of self-flagellating thoughts: labeling, fortune-telling, all-or-nothing thinking, should statements.

Fortunately, I saw immediately that I had a choice. I could either allow myself to wallow, which would undoubtedly make the rest of my day difficult, or I could do something about it.

I chose action.

Now it’s only 7:30 am, and I’m just about done writing a long-overdue blog post. And my mood has taken a 180. I’m no longer upset. Instead, I feel pleased with myself for seizing an opportunity to be productive.

One of the complaints I often hear about CBT thought-challenging techniques (uncovering distorted thoughts and replacing them with more rational ones) is that “just thinking” differently isn’t enough to produce a change in mood. And that certainly is true. Rewriting your thoughts won’t have much impact unless you also change your behavior

It’s 7:50 am, and I’m still tired. But a little more coffee should take care of the brain fog. And now I can look forward to a relaxing holiday weekend with no pressure to write!

 




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Posted in Cognitive-behavior Therapy, General, Self-help |

Great Expectations

By Lynne Gots, posted on October 24th, 2011.

On my day off last week I spent eight hours up to my elbows in flour, confectioner’s sugar, and food coloring.  I baked two hundred assorted cookies, including fifty shaped like Bevo, the University of Texas longhorn mascot, each iced and colored burnt orange. Bevo cookies are a baking challenge:  the delicate horns have a tendency to break if the cutouts are rolled too thin.  Penn State Nittany Lions, Michigan Wolverines, Wisconsin Badgers, or even Maryland Terrapins would have been  much easier to create out of dough. But because the cookies are going to be served at a reception in Austin, where my music-major son will be performing a recital, Bevo was it.

I’m sharing this because despite my labors and the pleasing fruits of them, I had the vague feeling that I’d wasted the day.  This is distorted thinking, to say the least.  Fortunately, as a professional expert at spotting this type of cognitive error, I was quick to recognize it and nip it in the bud.

Why, after literally slaving all day in front of a hot stove, did the thought,  “I didn’t accomplish anything,” pop into my head?  The answer lies in my expectations.

I usually clean, shop for groceries, and run errands on my day off.  So, despite the mounds of carefully shrink-wrapped Bevos, brownies, and biscotti crowding my freezer, I felt disappointed because the weekly chores were left undone.  I clearly needed to do a little shrink rapping with myself to untwist my thinking.

To paraphrase Homer Simpson, our expectations are the cause of—and the solution to– many of life’s problems.  (The original quote was about beer.)  Expectations create conflicts in relationships.  Think about the last time you felt angry at or let down by a spouse, partner, child, parent, or boss.  I’m willing to bet it was because the person failed to live up to your expectations.  Expectations can also lead to disappointment in ourselves, as my cookie story shows.

Now the solution.  Take stock of your expectations.  Are they realistic?  Helpful?  If not, then modify them or let them go altogether and focus on accepting what is rather than on stewing about what should be.

I realized right away that my expectations were making it hard to feel satisfied with my baking.  So I tossed them aside along with the extra scraps of dough and gave myself permission to admire my handiwork instead of fretting about the dog hair on the living room rug.

To keep my thoughts about how the spread for the reception “should” look in check, I’m not expecting the Bevos make it to Austin this week in my suitcase without breaking.  I’ll be really disappointed if they turn into crumbs en route.  But I’m planning to bring some extra brownies, just in case.  And I’ll focus on what’s truly important — my son and how proud I am of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





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Posted in Acceptance and Mindfulness |

This blog is intended solely for the purpose of entertainment and education. All remarks are meant as general information and should not be taken as personal diagnostic or therapeutic advice. If you choose to comment on a post, please do not include any information that could identify you as a patient or potential patient. Also, please refrain from making any testimonials about me or my practice, as my professional code of ethics does not permit me to publish such statements. Comments that I deem inappropriate for this forum will not be published.

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